The Badman from Kamwokya is seeking to become the ‘baddest’ man for State House. Accordingly, during the week, he was reported to have spoken up for value addition in factories to lift Uganda’s farmers up to where they belong. He added that sugarcane farmers can’t even afford sugar under current government policies.
The Badman’s evident concern for the farmers is familiar. It recalls the movie Head of State, a 2003 American political comedy film about an African-American alderman (Chris Rock as May Gilliam) from Washington, DC, who is now thrust into the US presidential elections of 2004.
During a campaign stop, Gilliam says, [as crowds get more agitated] ‘How many of you work in a city you can’t afford to live in? That ain’t right! How many of you work in a mall you can’t afford to shop in?
That ain’t right! [crowd responds with That ain’t right! with every question] How many of you clean up a hotel… you ain’t never gonna be able to stay in? That ain’t right! And we got nurses that work in hospitals they can’t even afford to get sick in. It ain’t right! It ain’t right. It ain’t right. [to campaign staffers] It isn’t right! [to crowd] That s**t is wrong! It’s dead wrong!’ It makes sense now.
By juxtaposing the conditions of farmers alongside the conditions they find themselves in, he uses contrast to reveal an absurdity. This aberration in the nation, as Badman would sing, reveals farmers who produce what they don’t consume and consume what they can’t produce.
In the process, they even get diabetes from the sweet nothings the government promises them. It’s a cold world (and politics is ice). One in which sugar is no longer a term of endearment. It now represents a bitter reality. Sure, the sugar farmers have the opportunity to transform this situation by electing Badman to do good things.
However, sugar is too sweet a factor to address the sourness in our politics. Badman should instead address himself to the matooke farmers. Because, quite frankly, everything seems to have gone bananas right now. Furthermore, in view of us being what we eat, we have lost it.
But the matooke farmers have not. They do not eat matooke. It is too expensive. So they eat cassava, as nobody has ever advised them to eat cake. The Badman will do well to address the matooke farmers.
That’s because matooke is green, like Badman when asked about fiscal policy. This is a perfect fit. When policy knowledge reflects the conditions which gave rise to that policy, it’s called consistency. And that’s what the Ugandan voter wants.
Consistency implies that when candidates become leaders, they stay in candidate mode. Thereby continuously wooing us towards a better Uganda.
Consistency also means that the taxes we pay square with the incomes we have. It follows simple maths. One plus one equals more when the taxes we pay approximate a less-is-more mentality. In this vein, candidates for the highest office in the land should say less. In this way, the mystery surrounding their ‘intelligence’ remains a mystery. One similar to where all the taxes go. We know Mzee is not eating the money. He only has one white shirt.
The minister in charge of youth would say that white is the new orange, but those are his things. Let him solve those with the fashion police. They have been trying to lock him up forever over his previous ‘one man, one shirt’ policy.
It may sound democratic, but people like Mzee approach fashion the way they approach the truth. They acknowledge its versions and not its absolutism. That is why Mzee has many versions of that one UPM-white shirt he wears like body armour protecting him from a past in which he had to go to the bush due to a failed election.
Being surrounded by Mao, who is suddenly everywhere, he can simulate the green that comes with the bush just in case he needs to take a selfie that shows everyone he is still bush-compliant.
Badman is reportedly going to meet rice farmers next. He understands that some Ugandans call them ‘lice farmers’, courtesy of the Runyankore learnt in The Basement.