My fiancé has a unique habit. Every time we are about to kiss or make love, he insists that we pause for a short prayer. He believes that intimacy should always be blessed and that God should be invited into even the smallest moments of love. At first, I admired his devotion and thought it was sweet.
However, over time, it has become awkward. The romantic mood dissipates, and instead of feeling affectionate, I feel as though I am in a prayer meeting. I love him deeply and respect his faith, but I also want to experience romance naturally, without constant interruptions. How can I bring this up without sounding disrespectful or unaccepting towards his beliefs? Agnes
Dear Agnes,
This is undoubtedly a disturbing situation, and, understandably, you feel this way. It is clear that you deeply love and respect your partner’s devotion to his faith, and it is normal to desire a natural and intimate life together. Here are some suggestions that may help you address the issue at hand: Choose the right time and setting for your discussion, one that is comfortable for both of you.
It is best to have this conversation when both of you are relaxed, not during moments of intimacy but rather over a cup of tea or coffee, and even during a morning or evening walk. Make sure you both have enough time and are not in a rush. Start the conversation by affirming your love for him and showing respect for his faith, as this will set a positive, non-confrontational tone.
An effective opening might be: ‘I love you so much, and one of the things I truly admire about you is your deep faith and how seriously you take your relationship with God. It is actually one of the reasons I fell in love with you.’
When expressing your feelings, use ‘I’ statements to focus on your personal experiences, rather than criticising him. For example, you could say: ‘Lately, I have found that the pause for prayer during romantic moments makes me feel disconnected. Instead of feeling closer to you, the moment shifts, and the spontaneous romantic feeling dissipates. It feels like I am moving from being your lover to being a participant in a formal meeting.’
Emphasising your goals for the discussion can also be helpful.
Let your partner know that you want your intimate moments to feel more natural and spontaneous, and express your concern that the current pattern may lead to emotional distance between you. You might suggest a compromise that can work for both of you: ‘Could we replace the spoken prayer with a simple, silent moment of acknowledgment? I would appreciate it if you could touch my hand or hold my face and say a silent blessing or acknowledgment in your heart, allowing us to stay fully connected while still inviting God’s presence.’
Ask your partner how he feels about your suggestion and encourage him to share his thoughts. This will help you understand his urge to pray before intimacy. Sometimes, those who are deeply religious have fears about physical intimacy due to how it was discussed during their upbringing, which can lead to the belief that sex is sinful.
Try proposing small, time-limited experiments rather than an all-or-nothing change. For example, agree to try a brief, silent shared pause or a single whispered blessing for a week and then check in about how it felt for both of you.
You might also suggest moving the more formal prayers to earlier in the evening or making a non-verbal ritual such as holding hands, a forehead touch, or synchronised breathing, that preserves the sacredness without interrupting the flow. Treat these as joint experiments: curious, reversible, and focused on what brings you both closer.
Remember, faith and intimacy are not enemies; they can complement each other beautifully. Faith can influence kindness, compassion, and care, while love also needs laughter and passion.
Consider seeking professional counselling, where a therapist can provide a non-judgemental platform to discuss these issues amicably and help you strike a balance. They can also suggest treatments in case there are underlying traumas to address.
Importance
Studies indicate that couples who engage in spiritual intimacy, openly sharing and discussing spiritual beliefs, questions, and doubts, experience higher levels of emotional intimacy, relationship satisfaction, and commitment. This holds true even when accounting for factors such as religious attendance and shared religious beliefs.
For instance, research involving 164 married couples transitioning to parenthood found that spiritual intimacy during pregnancy predicted higher observed intimacy skills in both partners over the first year of parenthood. This effect was consistent across genders and remained significant even after controlling for other variables.
READER ADVICE
This is not of God
Ojilong SSalongo. God already gave us the ultimate blessing when He said, ‘Be fruitful, multiply, and subdue the earth.’ That means we do not need to ask for another blessing before intimacy. He already approved love and union. Over-spiritualising every act can take away the natural beauty of affection between two people.
But you are not married
Sarah K Frankie. Fiancé or not, some things just do not add up. This looks like double standards; mixing romance with exaggerated holiness. If he truly believes in prayer before intimacy, then why engage in it before marriage? Let actions match beliefs instead of blending faith and physical desires confusingly.
Talk to a counsellor
Martin Ssebyala. You will get no meaningful advice here because everyone interprets faith differently. Both of you need to sit with your spiritual leader for guidance and counselling. A pastor or counsellor can help you balance faith with reality, ensuring your relationship is grounded in both spiritual and emotional understanding before marriage.
You are both wrong
Phoebe Miriam. Let us be honest, what you are both doing is not holy. Intimacy before marriage is fornication, no matter how many prayers are said before it. Your fiancé is not truly born again; he is just religious. Please stop deceiving yourselves and wait until after marriage to honour God in your relationship properly.
It is rooted in faith
Moses Earthe. This idea is not strange. In Islam, before intimacy, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) taught couples to say a special dua asking God to bless the act and the child that may come from it. We believe that children conceived without prayer may lack divine protection, which leads some astray in life.
He is a true believer
Nana Helly Hellen. You are simply too impatient, my dear. Your man’s habit of praying before intimacy shows he puts God first even in private matters. That is something rare and beautiful. Do not mock it, embrace it. Keep loving him because a man who fears God also loves deeply.
Count your blessings
Josephine Asiimwe. Sometimes we take our blessings for granted until they are gone. You are worried about something that many people wish they had; a God-fearing, affectionate partner. Others face real crises in relationships. Be careful not to ruin a good thing over trivial discomfort.
Make things right
Rosie Prince. If your fiancé insists on praying before intimacy, yet you are not married, that is hypocrisy. You are both already sinning through fornication. Tell him to stop pretending to be overly righteous when he is living in sin. If he truly values holiness, he should marry you before talking about blessings.