As the grand political circus unfolds once more, the nomination lists are finalised, and we, the captivated audience, are treated to the glorious spectacle of alliance-making in its most raw and unvarnished form. We watch as new partnerships are hastily forged, primarily because the alliances of five years ago proved to be as stable as a house of cards in a tornado, collapsing under the sheer weight of their own emptiness and conflicting ambitions.
Meanwhile, a brave, or perhaps foolish, breed of ‘lone wolf’ independent dares to trust in their own merit and the fickle judgment of the electorate. How adorably inefficient and romantically naive.
But let us be practical. In the ruthless ecosystem of power, why strain to be a lone wolf when you can evolve into a far more successful life form, the creeper? Why exhaust yourself striving to become a mighty oak when you can simply cling to one, ascending to the sunlight on the back of a stronger, more established host?
For the aspiring climber who understands that principle is a luxury and power is the only point, here is your essential guide to symbiotic survival.
Know your place
Let us be clear about the relationship you have voluntarily entered. We can call it ‘symbiotic’ for the press releases, though the term ‘parasitic’ has a more honest, biological ring to it. The unshakeable law of this arrangement is that the mighty oak allows you to exist. It controls the sunlight, the nutrients, and the very structure you climb. It can redirect resources, overshadow you, or give a mighty shake to dislodge you like a dog ridding its coat of a prickly flea. Your first duty is to be beneficial, or at the very least, unnoticeably harmless. Never give the oak a reason to wonder why it needs a creeper.
The art of taking
By all means, take. This is the entire point of the exercise. Take the resources, take the credit for the oak’s successes, take a larger, sun-drenched office. But this must be done with the delicacy of a gourmet thief, not the brutish force of a bank robber. Your consumption should be gradual. If you grow too fast, flower too brightly, or demand too much, you will transform from a charming accessory into a threatening liability. The shake that follows will be swift and terminal. The goal is to be a discreet, barely noticeable drain, not a glaring vine that strangles the very hand that feeds it.
Payment is required
What could you, a lowly creeper, offer in return for this patronage? Simple: your dignity. Your currency is unabashed, unwavering homage.
Physical obeisance: Never miss a public display of subservience. A genuflect, deep bow, or kneeling at a rally is worth more than a thousand well-argued policy papers.
Material tribute: Thoughtful gifts are essential. Nothing says I am invested in your well-being like a hefty percentage of your earnings.
Intellectual surrender: Master playing dumb at strategic moments, looking the other way when inconvenient truths emerge, and championing the party line, even if it contradicts your personal beliefs. Your beliefs are a skeleton best kept in a locked closet.
This is not corruption; it is pragmatic career-building. A Machiavellian masterpiece where the end justifies the means, and the ‘end’ is your continued presence on the payroll, in the headlines, and near the seat of power.
The inevitable betrayal
Sooner or later, a younger, shinier creeper will appear. They have fresher knees for kneeling, a more compelling story, and they are the future; you are the past. When this happens, you will be shaken off. The oak will declare it needs ‘new energy’ or a ‘different strategic direction.’
At this juncture, you could step aside with grace, but where is the drama in that? The modern, professional way is to scream and howl, giving tearful press conferences about betrayal, as if you were not a willing participant in the rulebook you helped to write.
Remember, every path is hard. Principle is hard; it involves long, thankless fights. The path of the creeper is also hard; it involves explaining to your family and conscience why you are on live television kissing a ring you privately despise.
So, choose your hard. Just be aware of the final price tag.