Dear Diary,
Picture this: You are at brunch, third margarita pitcher in, and someone asks about your love life. Where do you even start?
Well, there is this guy. Let us call him America. Successful, walks into every room like he owns it (and honestly, sometimes he does). We had a thing back in the day. Nothing official, but he kept a military base at my place. That is basically leaving a toothbrush, right? The security was nice, I will not lie. But it was always on his terms. Very ‘I will call you when I need you’ energy.
Meanwhile, I have been with Denmark for literal centuries. Look, it started problematic, red flags everywhere, total power imbalance, some honestly traumatic stuff I am still unpacking in therapy. But people grow, right? We have been doing the work. Denmark’s backing off, giving me space, supporting my independence journey. We are evolving. It is healthy!
I have got my own money now (rare earth minerals under all this ice, baby), I am glowing up, climate change is literally making me more accessible. I am in my hot girl era. And that is when America decides he wants me back.
But here is the thing, he does not even shoot his shot properly. He is out here in public, loudly announcing he ‘wants ownership and control’ of me. Like that whisky-drunk guy at the bar with sudden opinions. ‘Hey Greenland, you are too hot for Denmark. You should be with me.’ Translation: You have resources to be acquired.
He is not asking me on a date, he is hostile taking-over. And when Denmark (reasonably!) is like ‘um, excuse me, what the is going on?’ America doubles down. Will not rule out economic pressure or even military action. That is not a red flag, that is a whole parade with fireworks and a marching band.
Denmark is big mad! But here is the tea: I have been thinking about leaving Denmark anyway! Not for America. For myself. Independent baddie era. America thinks he can slide into the DMs with ‘you up?’ energy and I am going to come running? Boy, BYE!
The group chat is popping off
Our entire friend group, NATO, is watching this unfold. We have been tight since the ’40s, been through some stuff together. They are uncomfortable because America is not just some random dude, he is the group admin. The one who pays for the first round, who you call when things get serious, who has got your back when sketchy-looking guys (Russia) start circling.
Meanwhile, Poland is stress-eating in the corner because she is actually worried about an abusive ex (Russia) potentially getting violent, and instead of focusing on that very real threat, we are dealing with America’s main character syndrome. The Baltics are spiral-texting at 2am like ‘does this mean he will not protect us either if we do not fall for him?’ Turkey is just stirring the pot, flirting with Russia while still in the friend group. Messy.
The real problem
America has been complaining for years that half the friend group does not pull their weight (the whole two percent spending thing). Not wrong, objectively. But instead of having a mature conversation about boundaries and expectations, he is threatening to abandon everyone while simultaneously trying to pressure me into a relationship I do not want.
It is giving narcissist. It is giving ‘I can treat you however I want because you need me more than I need you.’ It is giving emotional manipulation with a side of economic coercion. Now, if I pursue independence, everyone is going to think it is because of America’s pressure. I get why he is interested, though. I am sitting on potential wealth,
I am in a crucial geographic location (hello, Arctic shipping routes), I am becoming more valuable as the ice melts.
Some people in my own community are like ‘well, maybe America has a point. Denmark is long distance. America could invest more in us because of proximity!’ Did you miss the part where he threatened military action? I am caught between a partner I am outgrowing, a friend group in crisis, and an ex who thinks ‘no’ means ‘convince me harder.’