The world may have evolved, but Naitore Nyamu-Mathenge insists on buying the dailies. ‘Hard copies,’ she says, the way it has always been.
She didn’t fall too far from her dad’s tree, inheriting not only his manners, but his mannerisms too. Like how she wants to be unbothered. But being unbothered doesn’t mean not bothering. She bothers about her children, her husband, and her coffee. Oh, how she loves her coffee, a tonic for her soul. Or maybe that’s the ice cream?
The Regional Coordinator, Africa, for the Global Survivors Fund, however, admits that her job comes with a few spots of bother. The trauma, and the world’s indifference. The stories that percolate long after being told. And the dismissive brush of: ‘Here comes the feminist.’
About that. She’s a feminist, she agrees. A cudgel in one hand, a tool in the other. ‘Society’s ills,’ she says, ‘are all blamed on feminism.’
Still, she refuses to be a victim of her success. She has a job to do, a public defender, the righteous path of the do-gooder. All with a smile. It could be the cake, or it could be the chocolate chip cookies. Could be both.
What’s been the most interesting part of your week so far?
I had an event in Lesotho on Tuesday with the African Committee on the Rights and the Welfare of the Child. That was a very interesting event to discuss education as a form of reparation for children affected by conflict. It was a good feeling at the end of it, but the pressure was too much. However, if you put in the work, you’ll often get the outcome that you desire.
What is bringing excitement to your life?
Wow, deep questions. What am I supposed to say? [chuckles] I just love life. I’m generally a very happy, optimistic person. So life in general is something to treasure. My family brings me a lot of excitement. My three children. They come in different shapes and forms, so there’s something exciting about engaging with each of them.
What’s it like being a mother in this age?
Haha! Where do we start? It’s a very interesting journey with no manual. There are times when I feel I would give myself a 10/10. And there are days I feel like it 2/10. So you try to balance that. But also, you parent each child differently based on their personality. And at the moment, they are at a stage where they are questioning me a lot, which is good.
In which area of motherhood did your children force you to grow expeditiously?
Did you tell me these questions were going to be this deep [chuckles]? Actually, they help me so much to be a more patient person. And to see the world from a different perspective.
What would you teach your mother about motherhood?
I’ve actually learned so much from my mum about motherhood. My mum was very gentle, always has been. Maybe my siblings have a different perspective. What I would teach her is that you really cannot control the direction your children take. The best you can do is provide for them, guide them and let them go.
What are you learning about life from your children?
Life is very easy. We complicate it. There are times when my eldest tells me, ‘Mum, you need to chill a little bit.’ Because when you have plans, you want everything to go according to order, but at times the ducks refuse to go in a row. You don’t have to control life.
What do you hope they remember about you when they are your age?
I hope they remember that we had many fun times. That we danced a lot together. That we sat down as a family to have lunch, dinner, and breakfast. And that I was always available for them.
Is there anything you miss about your younger self?
No responsibilities. Adulthood is a scam, haha! I keep telling my children, please stop saying you want to grow up. When you get here, things will change.
What do you think your younger self would admire or envy in your current self now?
Confidence. The younger me wasn’t as confident as I am today. I think as you grow older, there are some things you don’t fuss about a lot. And also, you become more assertive. You’re in a better frame of mind in terms of making decisions.
Do you remember your first salary?
I got my first job when I was in university, teaching children in Year 6 and Year 9 English and Literature. I was getting paid Sh1,000 per lesson [chuckles].
What do you miss before you became important?
Haha! I believe what I’m doing is a calling. It’s not just a job, it’s my purpose in life. I wish I had been doing this for longer. To advance the rights of women and girls and survivors of sexual violence.
Dealing with survivors must be a highly emotion-inducing space. How do you cope?
To be honest, it’s an opportunity and a privilege for me to be working in this space, to move the needle and ensure that if there are any survivors of sexual violence, they receive reparation and redress for the harms they’ve suffered. If we can prevent any forms of sexual violence globally, then that would be a life well lived for me.
Do you have a secret formula for not carrying the trauma into your own personal life?
When I started, I used to do legal aid clinics, where we would meet with survivors, and those stories were dreadful. I would go home and talk to my husband. But at some point, the organisation realised the mental toll on us, so we would get counselling regularly. The support I have received from other professionals allows me to unplug, empathise and look at solutions without seeing everyone as perpetrators of sexual violence.
The world that you operate in is all about repair. What part of yourself remains unrepaired?
Hey! That’s a tough one [chuckles]. I’ve realised some wounds will never fully heal. Last year, I lost my dad, and that’s something I’m grappling with. I don’t think that can be repaired. So you hold on to your faith that there is an afterlife, that you’ll see this person another time, in another world. You cherish the memories you had with that person, but that wound remains.
Were you close?
We had a great relationship, especially in my adulthood. He was super proud of me. He would share anything that happened in my life with everyone [chuckles]. In his world, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do. So I miss that. I miss his phone calls.
What’s the weirdest advice your dad has given you?
He introduced me to reading the dailies. He read them until the end of his life. And he always kept telling me, if you want to know what’s going on in the world, make sure you watch the 7 pm and 9 pm news and read the newspaper. So I still buy copies of the dailies. And for him, it was very specific, the Daily Nation.
Are you just saying that?
Haha! No. I actually do buy the Daily Nation, daily.
What traits are you taking from him and passing to your children?
My dad was a very easy person. Nothing bothered him. If he had a newspaper, a plate of meat, that was it. He didn’t take life so seriously, and he really knew how to mind his business.
Speaking of, what’s life’s simplest pleasure?
A good night’s sleep. Waking up, enjoying your coffee. One of the things that I’m really enjoying at the moment, especially because I work from home, is enjoying a cup of coffee or tea in the evening with my husband as we watch birds and the sunset.
Do you ever worry that people will take your work to be who you are, especially considering it equates to a lot of suffering and pain?
There are some aspects of my work that have been used to communicate certain messages. I identify as a feminist. So there are instances where, before I even say anything, people will say, ‘OK, here comes the feminist.’
I get a lot of questions about the decisions that I’ve made in my life, especially in this field. People want to know, is this something that you’ve gone through? Why did you choose this? There will be misconceptions and biases, but I don’t shy away from speaking out, even with my family members.
Trauma and therapy-speak have become buzzwords. How does that impact how you raise your children?
What I’m happy about is that we are now conscious, and people can speak about things they couldn’t address before. I don’t think it has become easier, but there’s still stigma there.
What I’m really keen on is being open with my children, having conversations with them, and also getting feedback from them. I ask them, which areas do we think that we, as your parents, can do better? And let me tell you, if you are a parent, do not open that box, because they will give it to you [chuckles].
What kind of loneliness comes with leadership in the humanitarian space?
People will isolate you and say you are anti-government or an activist. I’ve seen it with some of my friends. When they get positions in the government, they tend to create barriers, because they don’t want to be associated with someone who will either be on the streets protesting, or part of the organisations condemning extrajudicial killings, the right to assemble and such.
But you have to accept it as long as you’re authentic to yourself, and as long as you’re speaking truth to power. I’m guided by the Bible and the Constitution. If I’m not doing anything illegal or immoral, then it really doesn’t matter.
What’s a misconception people have about you?
You know, as an introvert, I really, oh my gosh, I can’t even believe I’m saying this, I really come across as a snob [chuckles]. It takes time for me to warm up to people. And also, I don’t make friends easily.
What’s the best thing a friend has done for you?
My friends have really been there for me. My friend, who happens to be my husband, was the first one to come when my dad died. He was there throughout and took up everything. That was a critical moment for me, a gift.
What does it mean for you to call someone a friend?
Similar, aligned values.
That is a lot of corporate speak. What do you mean?
Haha! Okay, the word is not alignment, but you have to believe in similar things in life. Integrity is crucial. Also, for you to be my friend, you have to have a relationship with God in whatever form.
What do you do when you want to be just a girl?
I go to the spa. I eat a lot of ice cream, salted caramel especially, cake, and chocolate chip cookies. Throw in a milkshake too [chuckles]. I have a sweet tooth.
What’s a book that changed the way you live or your perspective?
I read it a long time ago, The Purpose Driven Life [by Rick Warren]. It shaped my thinking.
What are you learning to say no to?
To disrespect, when people don’t keep their word and expect you to still show up for them. I’m learning to say no to being overly committed to things and people. I am learning to say no to things that do not matter. This season of grief has taught me that life and death are not worlds apart. It’s less than a millisecond.
What matters more than you thought it would?
I’ve always known family to be important to me, but now more than ever. Secondly, my faith. Every day I’m learning from how Jesus lived his life, what He exemplified as a leader in His own right, but as someone who came to die for us.
From the outside looking in, we see you as a successful person. Did success feel like what you had imagined?
It’s a journey. I wouldn’t say that I’m at the pinnacle. I still have dreams that scare me. What I’ve learned about success is that it’s really how you relate with others, especially with colleagues and people you’re leading, that’s what matters the most. Previously, I thought the title was everything, but I’d rather not have a title and have an impact.
Has anyone ever made you feel like you didn’t matter at your level?
Of course, Eddie [chuckles]. In this field, it will come out so many times in so many different ways. You’ll go for meetings where people believe they are the encyclopaedias on a certain topic, and they do not want to get another perspective.
So you allow them to speak and you share your perspective; more often than not, they’ll counter without facts or reason, because we also live in a world where people are very egoistic. I would rather be quiet than speak foolishness.
What is a lie, especially for women, that they should stop believing in the workplace?
That there’s a balance. I’m really happy that you didn’t ask me what your work-family life balance is because it’s non-existent. We live in a very patriarchal society, so women’s success is measured not in terms of their careers but in terms of their family lives. I believe in finding a way of ensuring that whatever you need to do gets done. Secondly, women need to stop being guilted for the things they love.
Can one have it all?
It depends. Having it all means being at peace with everyone, having people in your life who love you for who you are, not your job title. But some things for me are very critical, like being a mum, a daughter, a sister, a wife.
What’s a question you wish people would ask you, but they don’t?
What is feminism, because there’s a lot of misconception there. But I’m not going to tell you what feminism is; we need a lecture on that. You know what I find very disturbing? The idea that feminism is the cause of all that is wrong in society.
What are you looking forward to doing this weekend?
Sleeping. I haven’t had enough sleep this week, that’s why I’m on coffee. Weekends ease you into a very slow pace, no schedules, no alarms, no meetings. So I just want to sleep, enjoy my coffee, whatever time I wake up. I am sure my children have a list of things they want done, so I’ll enjoy those with them, maybe take a walk at Karura Forest.
Who do you know that I should know?
God. And not just knowing him, having a personal relationship with him, Eddie. Make sure you write that, that people should know God [chuckles].
Naitore, give us some really good advice.
As a Bible-believing person, I believe that everything in the world is vanity. And the most critical thing that anyone should pursue is a personal relationship with God. It does not have a manual, Eddie, because the Bible says, ‘Call unto me, and I’ll answer you.’ Do that [chuckles].