There is a lot of evidence, as you have shared in your letter, to show that all is well. ‘Everyone’ knows you are together, and the two children you have are an indelible footprint of the relationship. Interestingly, his decision to visit his mother with you was another validating step that acknowledged your existence and the family you now have.
However, there is this one issue that has caused you to pause; the way he introduced you to his mother. It is not difficult to see why you might feel offended or begin to second-guess your relationship based on that singular experience.
We cannot belittle it or simply wish it away.
That said, there are five years and two children between you, along with overwhelming evidence that you are not just friends. The facts clearly show otherwise. Let us, however, take a closer look at him introducing you as a friend to his mother.
Fact number one is that, legally speaking, you are not his wife, and he is not your husband. Sometimes people whose value systems adhere strictly to the legal definition of a wife or husband will reflect that in the language they use. Do you know how he views legal marriage versus cohabitation? If his value system is that a wife is someone he has formally married, that could explain his choice of words on that occasion.
I also suspect that the word ‘friend’ may have been used in a local language rather than in English. If that is the case, local languages often carry nuances and meanings that English may not fully capture. You, therefore, need to be more insightful, using more thought than emotion, before drawing a conclusion. You may find that, from his perspective, the word translated as ‘friend’ means much more than the ordinary English definition suggests.
Remember, too, that he has never used this description elsewhere when referring to you; it happened only in the presence of his mother. This is important because sons and mothers can have ways of communicating that an outsider may easily misunderstand. Before allowing yourself to become distressed over that incident, look for evidence and patterns that validate any fears you might have.
To add to the above, mothers can sometimes be influential in their sons’ lives and may wish to choose wives for them. It appears to me that his decision to take you to the village to meet his mother, seemingly for the first time, may actually have been an affirmation to her that you are the woman he has chosen, perhaps even against her wishes.
It is possible that the language he used when introducing you was his way of being ‘political’ with his mother. There could be much more going on between them than you were able to decipher.
This is why, again, it is important to look for evidence. Things may be much different from what you imagine; in fact, they may not be nearly as grim as your fears suggest.
There is a scriptural proverb that carries wisdom. Proverbs 19:11 says: ‘A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.’ The evidence does not support all the conclusions your fears may be leading you toward.
However, there is nothing wrong with remaining alert to any future patterns that might suggest otherwise.
There is also wisdom in working toward legalising the relationship so that it is recognised in law as a marriage. Doing so would help protect both you and your two children, and it would establish you as a wife without leaving room for anyone to question your place in the family.
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Reader advice
This is not an insult
Shalot Shaz Kirungi. In many African cultures, when a man introduces you to his parents as ‘my friend,’ it is not necessarily an insult. Often, it simply means the traditional marriage process has not yet been completed. Since no dowry has been paid and no formal introduction made, he may not feel comfortable calling you his wife. The official titles usually come after the customary requirements have been fulfilled.
Evaluate relationship
Madiina Nyakato. If that is the case, then it raises an important question; does it mean you are not yet married in the eyes of the family and community? Many people assume that living together or having children automatically makes a couple husband and wife, but traditional and legal definitions may say otherwise.
Have an honest talk
Dora Ofori. My sister, perhaps the issue is that you and your partner are viewing the relationship differently. While you may see him as your husband and life partner, he could still be seeing the relationship as something less formal. It is important to have honest conversations about expectations and where the relationship is headed.
You must get married
Ronald Ssenkya. You are still considered friends until the relationship is made official through the recognised traditional, religious or legal processes. Feelings, children and years spent together may strengthen the bond, but formal recognition often changes how families and communities describe the relationship.
Speak up
Omosalewa Oyetunde. Perhaps you should have taken the opportunity to introduce yourself and explain your place in his life. Sometimes people remain silent and expect others to define the relationship for them. If you believe you deserve a different title, then a conversation about the future may be necessary.
Do not overthink this
Nachie Urshie Mpanga. Honestly, the mother probably understands the situation perfectly well, whether her son calls you a friend or something else. Parents are often more aware than we think. They can usually tell when a relationship is serious, even if certain words are not spoken openly.
Demand for clarity
Victorious Judy. Sometimes the simplest advice is the hardest to hear. If after years together someone still struggles to acknowledge your place in their life, it may be worth reconsidering the relationship. Everyone deserves clarity, respect and a shared understanding of where they stand.