A child comes home unusually quiet. Another suddenly dislikes going to school. A girl becomes withdrawn. A boy’s behaviour changes dramatically. A teenager starts making excuses to avoid certain people. We ask, ‘What is wrong?’ The child answers: ‘Nothing.’ But what if there is something terribly wrong?
Across homes, schools and communities, children experience bullying, sexual abuse, violence, humiliation, manipulation and threats. Some are abused by people they should trust. Others are mistreated by older students, teachers, caregivers or domestic workers. Yet many remain silent, not because they have nothing to say, but because they are afraid of what will happen after they speak. Sometimes, the person hurting them has already warned them: ‘Tell anyone and you will regret it.’ ‘If I hear it, I kill you.’
Parents often tell children, ‘Always tell me the truth or speak out.’ But what happens when a child actually tells us something unpleasant? If the first response is shouting, beating, humiliation, condemnation, or immediately passing judgement, the child learns: ‘telling Mum or Dad the truth is dangerous.’ This does not mean parents should tolerate wrongdoing. Children must learn accountability. If a child steals, lies, bullies another child or breaks a rule, there must be consequences. But accountability should not destroy communication.
Parents should deliberately tell their children: ‘You can tell me anything. I may become disappointed or angry, and there may be consequences when you have done wrong, but I will never reject you because you told me the truth.’ Then parents must demonstrate it. When a child finally discloses something serious, listen before interrogating. Stay calm. Thank the child for telling you. Tell them clearly that the abuse or wrongdoing is not their fault. Ask what they need to feel safe.
Most importantly, do not promise secrecy when the child is in danger. Explain that you may need to involve responsible adults or authorities to protect them and that they will be safe. Children should know several safe adults they can approach: a parent, relative, teacher, school safeguarding person, counsellor, religious leader or another trusted adult. Schools cannot simply tell students, ‘Report abuse,’ and leave them exposed to retaliation. There should be confidential reporting mechanisms, trained safeguarding personnel, clear procedures for handling complaints, and practical measures to protect children who report abuse.
A student should not have to identify the person they reported publicly. If a perpetrator discovers that a particular child reported them, the school must take responsibility for protecting that child or the whistle-blower, not to leave the child to face retaliation alone. Discipline perpetrators firmly, but protect victims and witnesses carefully, and strengthen the protection system around them.
This is where courage is required. If a child says: ‘Daddy, Uncle, a teacher or someone I trust is hurting me,’ our first response must not be, ‘How can you accuse him?’ or ‘Why didn’t you tell us earlier?’ Instead say: ‘I am glad you told me. I believe you. You did the right thing by telling me. You are not responsible for what happened. We will help keep you safe.’ The child’s safety must come before protecting an adult’s reputation. You can teach them other reporting procedures or places. In Uganda, children can also report abuse through Sauti 116 or the police helpline at 911, which provides confidential support and links children to appropriate protection and referral services.
A child struggling with substance use, serious emotional difficulties, harmful behaviour or another complicated problem needs help, not rejection or parents’ abandonment. This is your DNA. We can say: ‘What you did is wrong, and there will be consequences. But I am still here to help you make it right.’ That is not weak parenting. It is responsible parenting, while encouraging them to be accountable for their actions. Our children need parents who are firm enough to set boundaries but safe enough to approach when life becomes difficult. Sometimes a child’s voice is not disrespect. It is a cry for help. Let us be the adults who listen to our children.