Dear Anonymous,
You are entangled in what is called a love triangle, and what you are wrestling with is attachment. There are reasons, perhaps, why you drifted into a relationship with another man. There is also an interesting thing that happens to some people; desiring what they do not have, particularly something forbidden and with trouble written all over it.
There are aspects of a psychological theory called the id, ego and superego. The first triggers reactions without thinking. The second engages in planning and implementing these plans regardless. The third is your ‘brakes’, the conscience, so to speak, that checks in with your value system. In the short run, it tends to be overpowered by the first two, but when things go wrong, the third component, the superego, comes crushing down on you with guilt and regret, leaving you wondering how you could have walked down that path.
What is the point I am making? Deep down, you know all the right answers, and I can see from your letter that you do.
This reminds me of a powerful proverb (in case you read the Bible) at Proverbs 17:9. It implies that the heart is treacherous and desperate. It partly refers to the feelings that figuratively sit in your ‘heart’. If I borrow that wisdom, you rightly said you are ’emotionally attached’. Emotional attachment is not always anchored by good reasoning; in fact, rarely is it. It is just emotion, very strong emotion (the id), that wants to overrule reason. People who face such situations battle with the internal contradiction of wanting to do what they know is not wise versus what their hearts or emotions so badly want. This is where you are.
Having said that, let us reason using the facts. If you are legally married (I assume so based on your submission), the law does not permit such a relationship. What you are doing would be classified as adultery.
Secondly, he has chosen somebody else. In this lies the fact that he is willing to move on without you. You are alone in this now. So, if he is loving someone else, does that not signal to you that you need to move on?
Thirdly, you have mentioned that your husband and family are ‘innocent’. What will you tell yourself (your superego) if you walk away? Will you ever forgive yourself? If your husband asked you why you did this, what would you say? That may be more difficult to deal with than letting the other guy go.
Usually, that degree of attachment to an ‘outsider’ is anchored by two possibilities. Your own marriage has deficiencies that need to be worked on, and secondly, you could have had sexual intimacy with the other man. A combination of the two can generate strong attachment and emotional turmoil.
As you have rightly concluded, you should fix your marriage. But first, you need to ‘heal’. A qualified professional counsellor will help you gain clarity and navigate your current emotional and moral dilemma. You need this because, imagine if your husband and family found out? You would have two problems on your hands.
Counselling will help you disengage from your external romantic relationship, establish how you can rekindle warmth with your husband, deal with a guilty conscience and establish distance from the other man.
Let this become a learning curve for you on how you actually got here. It was a process that slowly drifted you to this point, and the outcomes could have been clear to you, but you still let yourself continue, playing with fire and believing it would not burn you.
You can save your marriage, but it will require effort. Sometimes, life’s best things are fought for, and the easier path tends to lead to trouble at times. Remember, successful marriages are generally anchored by being intentional. This usually is not an emotional process, but the resulting emotions are enjoyed without guilt or pain.
Reader advice
Consider his pain
Ojilong SSalongo. It is not just about what you are going through, but also what your husband must be experiencing. Imagine discovering that the person you trusted and built a life with has betrayed you.
Think beyond yourself
Monica Drijaru. Marriage requires honesty and respect, and when trust is broken, both people are affected. Before asking others to understand your situation, you must also acknowledge the hurt you may have caused.
It is time to move on
David Waigo. It is hard to say this, but perhaps it is time to move on. Sometimes, the consequences of our choices leave relationships too damaged to repair, and accepting that reality can be painful. Give yourself time to heal, learn from what has happened and focus on rebuilding your life.
Rethink your marriage
Rosie Prince. Perhaps you married someone you did not truly love, possibly because of financial security. If that is the case, why remain in a marriage where genuine affection is missing? Consider whether separation would be better than continuing to hurt your partner.
It is time to face reality
Moses Earthe. A man who discovers that his partner has been unfaithful may struggle to trust her again. The other man may also have had no intention of committing to a lasting relationship, leaving her to deal with the consequences alone. It is painful when expectations collapse, but the most important thing now is to accept reality and decide how to move forward.
You cannot have both
Peetah Njedzah. You need to grow up and accept responsibility for your choices. Sometimes, people want the security of marriage while pursuing relationships outside it, without considering the emotional damage this can cause. It is time to reflect on your decisions and understand that you cannot have your cake and eat it too.
The cost of cheating
Josh Kaweesi Kitaka. These are the consequences of cheating. Infidelity may seem exciting or harmless at first, but it can destroy trust and damage a family in ways that are difficult to repair. Before risking a committed relationship, people should think carefully about what they stand to lose. Once trust is broken, restoring it takes honesty, patience and consistent effort.
Value your marriage
Rodah Masibo. Love your man and learn to value the commitment you made to one another. Marriage requires loyalty, honesty and respect, even when things are difficult. If you have hurt your partner, acknowledge the pain you have caused instead of expecting everything to return to normal immediately.