I should have known better.’ ‘I should be further ahead by now.’ ‘I should be stronger.’ ‘I should not feel this way.’ ‘I should have handled it differently.’ How often do these words appear in your thoughts? How often do you look back at a situation and tell yourself what you should have done, or look at your present life and feel you ought to be somewhere else by now?
Sometimes, the word ‘should’ sounds harmless. It can even motivate us to take responsibility, set goals and make improvements. However, when it becomes a constant voice telling us how we must behave, where we ought to be in life and what we should have done differently, it can become a heavy burden. Instead of helping us grow, it can leave us feeling guilty, frustrated and perpetually dissatisfied with ourselves.
Psychologists refer to this pattern as *should statements*, a cognitive distortion that occurs when we hold rigid expectations about how we, other people or situations must be. We tell ourselves that we should never make mistakes, should always be productive, should always be happy or should have everything figured out by a certain age. We may also expect our partners to know exactly what we need without being told, our children to behave perfectly or our careers to progress according to a particular timetable. The problem is not the word itself. The problem begins when our expectations leave little or no room for reality.
Life does not always cooperate with our ‘shoulds’. Sometimes, we can do everything right and still experience disappointment. We can work hard and still need more time to achieve our goals. We can love someone deeply and still misunderstand each other. We can prepare carefully and still encounter unexpected difficulties. We can even have a difficult day without having done anything wrong. Yet, when our expectations become rigid, we may interpret these ordinary experiences as evidence that we have failed.
Imagine someone in their thirties who believes, ‘By now, I should have achieved everything I wanted.’ They look around and see friends buying houses, advancing in their careers, getting married or starting families. Gradually, their attention shifts from what they have achieved to everything they believe is missing. They begin to feel inadequate, as though life has passed them by. But who decided where they were supposed to be at that particular age? While it is natural to have ambitions, life does not come with one universal timetable. People begin from different circumstances, encounter different opportunities and face challenges that others may never see. Comparing our lives with someone else’s milestones can make us overlook the progress we have made on our own journey.
This thinking pattern can also affect how we respond to our emotions. We tell ourselves, ‘I should not be anxious,’ ‘I should not be sad,’ or ‘I should be over this by now.’ In doing so, we add another layer of distress to what we are already experiencing. We are no longer dealing only with sadness, anxiety or disappointment; we are also judging ourselves for feeling that way. We become distressed about being distressed. Instead of allowing ourselves to understand what we feel and what might be contributing to it, we begin to treat our emotions as personal weaknesses that must be eliminated immediately.
There is another side to this thinking trap. Sometimes, we use ‘should’ to judge other people. We think, ‘They should know better,’ ‘They should have called,’ ‘They should understand how I feel,’ or ‘They should behave the way I expect.’ When people fail to meet these expectations, disappointment can quickly turn into anger, resentment or conflict. Of course, there are situations where people should take responsibility for their actions, and there is nothing wrong with expecting respect, honesty and consideration. However, difficulties arise when we assume that other people must automatically understand our needs, share our perspective or respond exactly as we would. People do not always know what we need unless we communicate it, and they may see a situation differently from the way we do.
This does not mean that we should abandon our standards, ignore our responsibilities or accept every situation without question. Healthy expectations help us make decisions, pursue meaningful goals and treat others appropriately. The difference lies in learning to hold those expectations with flexibility. We can acknowledge that we made a mistake without concluding that we are failures. We can recognise that we would have preferred a different outcome while accepting that we cannot change what has already happened. We can want more for ourselves without dismissing the value of where we are today.
Sometimes, a small change in the language we use with ourselves can make a meaningful difference. Instead of saying, ‘I should have done better,’ we can ask, ‘What can I learn from this experience?’ Rather than saying, ‘I should not feel this way,’ we can say, ‘This is how I feel right now, and I can try to understand why.’ Instead of telling ourselves, ‘I should already be there,’ we can ask, ‘What is the next step I can take?’ These questions do not remove responsibility. They help us respond to our circumstances with greater clarity rather than allowing guilt and self criticism to take over.
Here is a little Mind Exercise to carry with you this week. Whenever you catch yourself saying ‘I should’, pause and ask yourself, ‘Is this a realistic expectation, or am I putting unnecessary pressure on myself?’ Consider whether you are responding to what is actually possible in your circumstances or measuring yourself against an inflexible rule. Then try replacing ‘I should’ with ‘I would like to’, ‘I can work towards’ or ‘I am learning to’. Notice how this simple shift changes the way you speak to yourself.
Learning to recognise should statements is not about making excuses or refusing to improve. It is about understanding that growth does not require constant self punishment. You can learn from your mistakes without repeatedly condemning yourself. You can have goals without believing that your worth depends on achieving them by a particular age. You can also hold others accountable while recognising that not every unmet expectation is deliberate wrongdoing.
Until next week, remember that you can hold yourself accountable without constantly making yourself feel inadequate. You are allowed to learn, grow and change without demanding perfection from yourself at every turn.