The Cabinet dropped and on Monday they were sworn in. From the look of things, Uganda has not really changed much. It has simply repainted the old taku, read taxi if you belong to that other generation, and given it a fresh destination sticker. The first thing that hits you is déjà vu. Half the faces look like they have been in government since radios were still furniture. Some ministers have changed portfolios so many times they could introduce themselves like software updates: ‘Former Minister of this, current Minister of that, and available for Whatever-is-left.’
Then there is the size. Banange, the cabinet is impressive in the same way a hippo is impressive, massive, expensive to maintain, and surprisingly slow. With dozens of ministers and ministers of state, you would think the country would operate like a Formula One pit crew. Instead, it is like too many captains on one ship, all fighting over cabins. Somewhere, hardworking technocrats are quietly updating spreadsheets while the titled people are busy cutting ribbons for projects that were supposed to be completed in 2018.
Still, since these people are meant to represent us, the citizens, perhaps it is only fair that we also get a chance to nominate our own dream team. After all, Uganda is full of talent, experience, and highly specialised individuals. So, given the opportunity to appoint a true People’s Cabinet, here is how we would have represented ourselves.
Minister of Finance Eddy Kenzo and Pumla Nabachwa
The Ministry of Finance is arguably among the most important offices in government. After all, money makes the country move, and when there is no money, government officials start speaking in proverbs. Now, our former Finance ministers taught us that one of the most important duties of the office is looking for the money and honestly, who better to head this ministry than a man who has mastered the science of ghost money.
Yes, Eddy Kenzo. The same man who gave Ugandans that legendary financial formula which proved that if you earn Shs5,000, you can somehow save Shs4,000, spend Shs3,000 on food, keep Shs2,000 for transport, reserve another Shs3,000 for emergencies, pay taxes, tithe, and still remain financially stable. If that mathematics confused you, then congratulations, you now understand why he deserves the docket. Uganda needs people who can locate money that does not seem to exist.
Of course, every ministry needs balance, and that is where Pumla comes in. While Kenzo handles invisible resources, Pumla specialises in helping Ugandans survive visible problems….for example, the question of ‘His money, Her money, Our money’. Through podcasts, workshops, and social media, she has spent years translating complicated financial language into advice that ordinary citizens understand. She teaches budgeting, saving, avoiding lifestyle inflation, and building wealth without sounding like she is selling a pyramid scheme.
Together, they represent the perfect combination. Kenzo brings hope, optimism, and equations that challenge the laws of mathematics. Pumla brings practicality, discipline, and enough financial wisdom to rescue citizens from buying iPhone 17 Pro Maxes on salary advances and of course emphasising the gospel of women not giving men money. In these difficult economic times, Uganda needs both miracles and spreadsheets.
Ministry of Foreign Affairs Bad Black and DJ Spinny.
Foreign Affairs is about building relationships, strengthening ties, and making sure Uganda is properly represented abroad. Which is why we have gone with a combination of vibes and brutal honesty: DJ Spinny and Bad Black. DJ Spinny has practically turned Kigali into Kampala’s annex office. Through his events, he has achieved what diplomats spend decades writing communiqués about. Ugandans now travel to Rwanda and somehow end up hosting Rwandans in Rwanda. Entire weekends in Kigali feel like somebody accidentally relocated Bandali across the border. The man has exported Ugandan energy with such efficiency that some people claim.
Through yanos, Afrobeat and enough alcohol to erase colonial boundaries, Spinny has done more East African integration than some official summits. But every ministry needs balance, and for that, we have appointed Bad Black because no one in Uganda communicates with the transparency, confidence and fearlessness of Bad Black. This woman does not understand the concept of diplomatic language. She speaks truth the way boda riders use horns; frequently and without warning. Which is exactly what we need. Imagine IMF officials arriving in Kampala asking where their money went. Under Bad Black, there will be no confusion. My dear, some money reached, some money disappeared, some people enjoyed life.
Why are you acting surprised? Accountability reports would become podcasts. World Bank officials would leave meetings with life lessons and relationship advice. Bad Black is also uniquely qualified because she has lived several lives in one lifetime. Socialite. Businesswoman. Celebrity. Prison reform enthusiast. Motivational speaker. Survivor. Mother. If resilience was a ministry, she would head that too and unlike traditional diplomats who hide behind carefully crafted statements, Bad Black believes in radical transparency. If the economy is struggling, she will tell investors. If ministers are misbehaving, she will tell ambassadors. If there is no fuel in the convoy, she will probably ask for transport money publicly.
Ministry of Tourism Simon Kaggwa Njala AND Kirabo Kisitu.
Tourism is about visibility. It is about making the world notice you and honestly, few people have marketed Uganda to strangers more effectively than Simon Kaggwa Njala and his famous gay interview, even with those pin-hole camera graphics! I do not have actual numbers but I am sure that interview has introduced more people to Uganda than the gorilla mascot roaming the streets of Europe. ‘Why are you gay?’ has probably done more for Uganda’s global visibility than half our tourism campaigns combined. One simple question turned into an international cultural export. Piers Morgan reacted, Elon Musk GIF-ed it, Reddit held conferences and YouTube made remixes.
Simon remained gloriously unbothered, carrying on like a man who had merely asked someone the time. In the attention economy, accidental chaos is priceless, and Simon delivered free publicity money cannot buy. You see, every ministry needs a state minister and we have nominated Kirabo Kisitu. The position was highly competitive, but recent performances forced our hand. Between fashion drama, viral moments, and enough online debates to sustain an entire radio station, Kirabo has given Uganda free screen time. Why spend billions on billboards when one person can make half the internet search ‘Uganda girls’ by accident? Together, Simon and Kirabo represent the future of tourism: maximum visibility, minimum planning, and enough chaos to keep the world curious.
Ministry of Internal Affairs – Kasuku and Alien Skin
Internal Affairs is about maintaining order, understanding the people, and knowing what is happening on the ground. Which is why we have appointed two men with very different but equally important skill sets: Kasuku and Alien Skin.Kasuku, Uganda’s human loudspeaker, has spent years proving that no information is too small and no rumour deserves a peaceful death. While intelligence agencies write classified reports, Kasuku conducts investigations from salons, bars, and YouTube. In a country where people whisper, Kasuku shouts. By breakfast, he already knows who fought, who divorced, who unfollowed whom, and who was seen leaving where.
Because every ministry needs enforcement, we have appointed Alien Skin as state minister. Not because he believes in order, but because he understands disorder better than anyone. The Fangone President commands one of the most loyal armies in the country. These people do not have fans; they have infantry. Ironically, even Alien Skin himself occasionally fights his own soldiers. One day he praises them, the next day he is abusing them publicly, and somehow everybody reunites by evening. It is the kind of confusion that perfectly reflects the country itself. Together, Kasuku and Alien Skin represent Internal Affairs at its finest. One ensures no secret survives, and the other ensures no chaos goes unsupported.
Ministry of Gender – Sheebah and Godfrey Kuteesa
Gender is where everybody has opinions and nobody leaves happy. Which is exactly why we have appointed two people who have spent years arguing from opposite corners of the ring -Sheebah and Godfrey Kuteesa. On one side, you have Godfrey Kuteesa, the commander-in-chief of the boy child. The man wakes up every morning worried about masculinity the way farmers worry about rainfall. In Kuteesa’s Uganda, men are providers, protectors, and decision-makers.
The man speaks about traditional masculinity with the seriousness of someone defending the last cow in the village. Then there is Sheebah. Where Kuteesa says men should lead, Sheebah responds, ‘lead yourself first.’ She has spent years reminding women that they are the prize, they deserve respect, and they should never shrink themselves to make anybody comfortable. Her critics accuse her of teaching women to become difficult. Together, these two would guarantee that the Ministry of Gender remains fully occupied.
Ministry of Defence – Tabz
National security is too important to be shared around. This is one ministry where we are cutting costs. No need for a State Minister, Permanent Secretary, or those people who spend the whole day saying we are monitoring the situation. One man can handle everything, and that man is Ninye Tabz because if there is one thing Uganda has learnt, it is that before intelligence agencies know something, Tabz already has the screenshots. The man moves like he owns shares in everybody’s WhatsApp groups. Cabinet reshuffle? Tabz knows. Parliamentary fights? Tabz knows. Secret meetings? Somehow Tabz knows. At this point, there are rumours that if aliens landed in Nakasongola, Tabz would break the story before the aliens themselves finish parking.
Nicknamed Uganda’s People’s FBI, the man has turned his X account into a national emergency centre. Mainstream media no longer breaks news; they wait for Tabz to tweet and then rush to add logos and grammar. Officials wake up every morning pray not to trend under his account – Ask NaFood. Somewhere in Kampala, senior people lower their voices when discussing sensitive matters, just in case Tabz is hiding inside the Wi-Fi router. And that is exactly why he deserves the Defence ministry. Why wait to be attacked when Tabz can simply tweet the invasion plans three days before they happen? Forget satellites. Forget drones. Our first line of defence is one man, one camera, unlimited bundles, and sources that even the CIA occasionally consults.