We tackled family therapy in psychotherapy class this week. As with most things in class, we realized how this doesn’t just apply to strictly clinical settings but also showcases psychological principles relevant to current events. It is befitting, after all, since the family lens is part of the systems perspective, where we see how systems perpetuate particular dynamics that affect each member. This becomes quite literal when we see flesh-and-blood family feuds show up in public speeches and other political confrontations. Unfortunately, the use of the political arena to reenact family dynamics adversely impacts the rest of us. They pull us into their longstanding personal conflicts to the detriment of our well-being, as well as our political and economic stability.
One rule in relationships is that the moment you’re rooting for someone to lose, the relationship loses. Thus, in a feud, nobody wins. The desire to win is appropriate in a competition, not in the family home. This adds to the reasons why family and politics should not mix: it erodes the family, and it also makes for poor politics. Family members entering politics bring a sense of competitiveness to the dinner table. National politics requires being cunning and cutthroat, especially if you want to win elections and get your bills passed.
Such a dynamic is not healthy in a family. A healthy family is one where all the members care for each other and do not wish harm or suffering on anyone. This unconditional care is an essential starting point for solving family conflicts and tensions. No matter how many disagreements we have or how much we end up hurting each other, we resolve to repair because we care. In a chosen family, such as a marriage, this commitment to caring and repair is what determines the viability of the relationship. It is not the absence of conflict. It is not in the similarity of our opinions. We can have a diversity of values and opinions and still thrive as a family as long as we share the value of care.
In fact, a sense of caring is something I require as a prerequisite to family and couples therapy. Such therapies are notorious for having variable rates of success (hence why few therapists do it). I would rather not have a family start therapy if I feel they won’t benefit from it. If they exhibit a lack of caring for the other person’s needs, struggles, and difficulties, I do not deem them ready to do family work. Instead, I urge them to do individual work first so they can reflect on what’s getting in the way of caring, which is necessary for a relationship to be successful.
While politics may be cutthroat, good governance does require a strong sense of caring, just like a family. When it comes to governance, it is no longer about winning or trampling your enemies. Instead, it should be about taking care of your constituents. It should be about a desire for everyone to enjoy the good life. The concern should be about how to better address the needs of the community, not how to secure your position in the next election.
You see, the problem is that some of our elected leaders never seem to stop campaigning or scheming for the next election, so they completely forget to govern. Even the corruption we are hearing about now is really about amassing a war chest for the next election. A lot of public posturing is happening so they can position themselves as worthy candidates in 2028. In the meantime, what happens to Filipinos in 2025? Who is addressing their needs? Who is governing? It’s like parents fighting for custody, but nobody remembers to feed the kids.
Another principle in family therapy is triangulation. This is the concept where a third person gets unconsciously pulled into an impasse between two people in the hopes of stabilizing the relationship. Have you ever talked about your relationship to someone who isn’t your partner? That’s already triangulation. This concept isn’t inherently problematic, in the way three legs on a stool are more stable than two. When it does solidify as a habit, and we instead turn to the third person rather than addressing our concerns directly with the involved party, it can become detrimental to the relationship-and potentially destroy the friendship with the third person as well.
Applying this to the bigger ‘family’ of Filipino constituents, public family feuds triangulate the Filipino people into their problems. Instead of political families addressing their problems directly with one another, they rope us in to ally with them against each other. If only they took on the responsibility of resolving their family issues directly, our national stability wouldn’t have to be the collateral damage.