Mzee congratulated his Tanzanian counterpart on her re-election, pledging continued cooperation between the two East African neighbours. Mzee said Samia’s victory reflects the Tanzanian people’s choice.
He reaffirmed Uganda’s commitment to deepening cooperation with Tanzania, since Samia is part of Busia. What is not clear is whether Samia is part of Samia-Bugwe North or South. However, with riots in Tanzania over her re-election, her fortunes seem to be going south.
Abasamia are quiet. They are peoples who live in both western Kenya and eastern Uganda, often referred to as Basamia-Bagwe in Uganda to differentiate the local clans from Kenyan Samia clans. They are aware that the Tanzanian leader is Samia, but they are afraid of claiming her as their own.
That’s because they may have to claim her problems as well. And they are not ready to do this because, they say, they already have 99 problems and a female president is not one of them.
Known to stand tall at whichever height, the east feels put upon. That’s because easterners cannot make up their minds whether they want Mzee or the Badman from Kamwokya for president. If they support the latter, the east is likely to be curdled by riots. But if they go with the former, they’ll get five more of the 40 years they have so far enjoyed via empty-suited proxies.
Badman, to tip the scales, has decided to ask Samia if they can work together. He believes Samia is close to Uganda’s heart and has not made a mess of things. It’s all part of his policy, ‘east or west, we remain central.’
Several noises in the Opposition have declared Badman’s policy noisome. They have already called this a travesty, amid wanton F-bombs.
The Opposition is pro-change because it’s really anti-government, said one celebrated Opposition fellow.
‘Uganda’s Opposition is united in its desire to make sure that the government doesn’t work. That’s why we went into it via DP. Uganda’s Opposition has had the same domestic policy objective for at least 40 years: to unite around the dissolution of government. The government has the same policy for the Opposition. In that vein, it has fought with the south against the north, with the west against the south west, south west against the west, and the NRM creepers against the NRM crawlers and FDC weepers,’ added the top Opposition man.
Badman is a pretender to the throne, says Mbidde. He is the most eloquent of Badman’s detractors and is not the Opposition fellow quoted above because the English above is not Mbidde-esque.
Instead, Mbidde had this to say: ‘Badman, I must express in the strongest possible pyrotechnics my profound opposition to the newly instituted and disgraceful attempt to bumfuzzle, cause a kerfuffle with the collywobbles of a person who is clearly and crystally in the wrong.
From Mzee’s high table, Badman will only receive a tittynope as a prelude to borborygmus, thereby culminating in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis, which will render incoherent and uncoordinated the discharge of the functions of Un-Steady Progress.’
Still, Badman maintains that Samia is part of Uganda and, by this token, a part of East Africa. If Samia joins Badman, a red dawn shall rise in the east. “Red Dawn” also refers to the code name for a certain military operation. The US military operation conducted on December 13, 2003, which successfully captured former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein.
It is all up Samia, Badman says. He is ready to wait for her until she makes up her mind immediately. He cannot wait any longer, he says. That’s because the lives of an Opposition and government person are similar to the difference in ageing between dogs and humans.
Fifteen human years equals the first year of a dog’s life. Year two for a dog equals nine years for a human. After that, each human year would be approximately five years for a dog.
If the Opposition is the dog, then three years in the Opposition is 29 years and 40 years is about 500 years. So, we understand Bobi’s impatience. Life cannot always be hard, especially if you have 99 problems.
*Note: This is a weekly parody column.