I am newly married, and every month when I am on my period, my husband refuses to eat any food I prepare. He says women are ‘unclean’ during that time and that eating such food can weaken a man’s strength. At first, I thought he was joking, but now he waits until I am done with my period before eating anything I have cooked. I feel insulted, and sometimes he even warns guests not to eat my food ‘during certain days.’ I have tried explaining that menstruation is natural, but he will not listen. I am hurt and confused; how do I change his mindset without embarrassing him? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Whether you are newly married or have been married for a long time, food prepared by a wife is often a key binder of the family’s fabric, and how it is treated can either generate tranquility or create friction and disharmony. Your distress, therefore, is entirely understandable.
Different ways of viewing menstrual periods are usually rooted in religious backgrounds or cultural beliefs, although in many contexts, such insistence has lessened as society and men in particular become more open-minded. In your case, however, you have not provided insight into why your husband feels the way he does about you during your periods.
It is important to understand why he views women, and you, his wife, in this way regarding your menstrual cycle. Even in religions that associate impurity with menstruation, it is not typical to extend this to preventing a woman from cooking or serving food.
In Uganda, no widely known culture treats a woman differently simply because of her natural monthly cycles. With that said, you should seek to understand, either directly from him or through people who know him well, what motivates his view. Could it be a personal interpretation of religious tenets or a cultural belief?
From a non-religious and non-cultural perspective, some men, due to their background or upbringing, might psychologically associate menstruation with disgust or uncleanliness. Understanding why he feels this way is important because it empowers you to handle this distressing issue from a place of comprehension rather than purely emotion, reducing the sense of victimisation.
Regarding his sharing of your menstrual cycle as a public discussion, it is essential to address this. Such behaviour can be disconcerting and disrespectful to you as a woman. You can tackle this first, communicating respectfully but clearly that this is not acceptable to you.
Whatever the underlying motivation, it is evident that your husband’s actions are anchored in a particular mindset. Mindsets can change over time, but it requires effort and patience. If this is the most significant issue in your new marriage, it is crucial to work on finding inner peace with a matter that may take a while to change: his mindset.
If you are not facing abuse or mistreatment outside this issue, seeking help such as counselling can reduce or eliminate the effects of his mindset on you, while helping you focus on what is working in your relationship. In some cases, when you stop being affected by it emotionally, it can even disarm him, as he sees it no longer negatively impacts you.
You have not mentioned who prepares food for him when he cannot eat what you have cooked, but it is clear that there is an alternative. If this alternative allows you peace and reduces friction, there is no harm in allowing it, including when hosting visitors.
The most important part of managing this seemingly long-term challenge is minimising its impact on you, especially if other aspects of your marriage are positive.
While it is understandable to want to change his mindset, it will not happen overnight.
In the meantime, focus on finding your own peace and redirect your attention to the positive parts of your relationship. Understand that this may not be about you personally, but about his view of women in general. Recognising this can help you stop seeing it as your problem, reducing its emotional weight and opening the door to gradually influencing his perspective.
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Do not ignore hygiene
Phoebe Miriam. This is a period when you should focus on personal hygiene. Many women neglect themselves during menstruation, which can create body odour and discomfort. By staying clean, fresh, and confident, you can maintain self-respect and perhaps ease any fears or discomfort your partner has, showing care without over-explaining.
Use this time to relax
Deborah Kabeeho. Tell him to cook for you during this ‘unclean’ period and use the time to rest. Turn this situation into an opportunity to relax and recharge rather than carry resentment. Even if it is uncomfortable, making the best of the situation helps maintain peace and gives you a chance to care for yourself.
Use Bible as guide
Elijah Kamau. There is truth in the Christian teaching about menstruation in Leviticus 15:19 24. Understanding these rules helps you know how to cope with the situation without resentment. It is about finding a balance between personal care, faith, and relationship expectations. Knowledge of scripture and context can help guide your actions respectfully.
Talk to his mother
Martin Ssebyala. If you have a good relationship with his mother, talk to her. It could be how he was raised or a deeply ingrained belief. Mothers can sometimes influence these mindsets more effectively. Changing his perspective alone may be impossible, but involving someone he respects could guide him toward understanding and compromise.
This is unacceptable
Samuel White. Talk to a lawyer and consider divorcing him immediately. If a partner’s beliefs are extreme or controlling, protecting yourself legally might be necessary. Understanding your rights and options provides security and clarity. Sometimes, ending a harmful relationship is the healthiest choice for both mental and emotional well-being.
Leave before its too late
Victorious Judy. Eh! What will happen when you give birth? This situation raises questions about future life events. If you are expected to follow strict beliefs now, childbirth may come with even stricter rules. It is important to discuss these expectations early to understand how your partner views gender, tradition, and religious obligations.
You should have known
Elijah Kamau. Are couples not supposed to discuss core beliefs before marriage? Couples should ideally talk about traditions, religious practices, and personal values while dating. Understanding each other’s perspectives on things such as menstruation or spiritual rules prevents misunderstandings later. Open communication builds a foundation of respect and shared expectations for the future.