One of the truest facts about humans is our noisy tribal gene. Ever since God told Adam about the perils of man being alone, humans have always gone out in search of the other. We can hardly exist without the other. We are bu social beings, for all our claims towards nonchalance.
Nowhere has this fact spread off like in this ka city of Bishops and Generals, by other names, known as Kampala. Here in Kampala, we have garbed it in something we now call clubs. Kwegamba it is high school all over again. Okay, depends on the high school. Kitende can ignore…
Forass at Kitovu and Gongos. Some chaps are about to shout – ‘gwe naawe move on, who still talks about their high school?’ But forass, we had clubs such as interact. Okay that one has always had its bu qualifiers. But there was a club for everything, the mathematicians club (can never find a Ugandan motivational speaker here), Debate Club, Scripture Union (the one where Taata Bishop was once a member), Xaverians, Wildlife.
Clubs have always been the spice of high school – especially the handover ceremonies. These bu clubs are always handing-over. Mbu simanya, you are invited to this ceremony where the Club president’s girlfriend is handing over the instruments of power to the Bulindo chick.
These days when you see the men and women revving their cars on the bypass, expressing frustration over the TukTuks that have conquered one of the lanes, they are rushing nowhere else – but to keep time at the club. Despite all accusations of Ugandans being poor at this time thingie, when it comes to their bu clubs, ehh Ugandans arrive ahead of time, respectful of the dresscode.
Of course, we are not talking about the Kampala Clubs, Makindye Country Clubs of this world, or even the Kabira one. No no, where would one start with the Kampala Club? When the members are talking of the next best offshore investment, where do you start? Mbu your Sacco has launched a school fees product? Or mbu finally you qualify for a government mosquito net? See why it is important to keep things within our paygrades lest we develop ntondo. Because guys will be discussing their land in Kololo, referring to ‘you see, there is that ka land between Karungi’s and Mushanga, that one is my ka plot.’ What will you say? Mbu you have no doubt Nabusugwe is the next big thing.
Guys, guys, do you know how long it took Naalya to become what it is today? More than 20 years. And that was rapid growth. Wait, let’s go back to clubs. We are about to trigger the real estate demons. Anyway, the country now has one more Bishop, they can always cast out those bu things.
The clubs that are rolling heads in Kampala have found a way of repackaging the hobbies for the adults. Whatever your hobby, there is now a club for it in Kampala. Atte these clubs operate like undercover movements for most -if you know you know. Usually it is a friend of a friend who will bring you in. They have informal application processes.
Luckily, this Kampala is one big family. We are all in each other’s business. We know who is raising the other’s children. We know everything in this city. Despite our income differences, when it comes to getting spoilt, the rich and poor in Uganda prefer to get spoilt from the same places. Kasavu-kanyama style.
I have done the kind of intro akin Kadongo-Kamu movement. But it was to soften ground for the harder facts, kati tutandise…
1.Running Clubs
If you do not belong to a Running Club, I advise you pause here, go sign-up for one then you can continue reading this. Because how will you understand the lingo? Do you even know the Mutungo-Bus? What about those bu-chaps with the funkiest names – those ones who say they are drinkers with a running problem. If you have not done a ka-5K or a 20K, surely, this is kutumenya.
There is the Naalya Gutsy Bunch. Nkugambye! These ones I will speak mpola mpola. They will find me on the road and beat me engolo for nothing. All I can say is that whatever you are looking for, you are more likely to find it in a running club. If you seek drama, you will find it. If you seek lugambo, you will find it. If you want fitness, it is there. Gwe just join a running club osilike bwe-kye!
Mbu not to exclude others, the bu-running clubs have become innovative and introduced the walking club segment. It is like the equivalent of Children’s Sunday school. But the goal is that you should be able to upgrade to the running section where all the good things accrue. What good things? Wewe. Shall we teach you everything? Just buy knee braces, and start practicing on a ka-hill.
It is good to join a running club with some pedigree. Either you are the first aider, or the sweeper. Okay, the sweepers have aura in the Running club, or the one in charge of the post-run stretches. Or the crazy one that handles the music. It is a ka-whole society out there. Some of us were exiled for lugambo, ela we are eating mu nsiko.
But one of these days, I will send out an Olive brunch and re-join a running club. I hear these days what they are cooking, is beyond air-frying. Kubanga how could you have lived to be 45 in Uganda when you have never experienced the Kampala-Jinja relay?
Travelled to a random city to participate in a marathon? Do you even know the Nairobi Marathon? The Comrades Marathon? Should I be the one to tell you everything you chaps? About the hot springs in Kasese? As you start the stretch towards Kilembe mines?
Now that Najjera-Bulindo roads are done, wait for all the running clubs that are gonna mushroom. We shall see the results in Family court…
2.Book Clubs
It is in Kampala that I proved the Pareto Principle; you are bound to find the same ardent members in the running clubs frequenting the book clubs. The beauty with Kampala is that people know how to morph into new personalities. The Naggayi of a Running club will not be the Naggayi of a Book Club. She will be a different person. Era when you meet her in a Book Club, drop your familiarity and always allow her to reintroduce herself. Because in the book club, she is going to be spitting post-colonial theory, telling you about Mukisa’s take on Spivak’s ‘Can the Subaltern Speak?’ She is going to be telling you about Deleuze and Guattari’s ‘Body without Organs’. See, now you people are already lost-lost. But that is club life; you have to be lost for the first weeks. You know when those bu-Rotary chaps start singing, ‘For he’s a jolly good fellow…’
That is the same story of the Book Clubs. It is refutations and arguments. It is wondering whether Marx would have made the same arguments had he not encountered Hegel. Whether Lacan’ objet petit a applies. Atte do not get me started on the Audre Lorde and Simone Beauvoir movement. For these Book Clubs, they will see Foucault in every Kampala pothole, Class struggle in everything.
But, but people, this should not stop you from joining the Chapters Over Java (I have heard bu-good stories). My only ka-advice for the book club aspirant members, at least go and also cook them with how you love to read Haruki Murakami with a Cortado in hand, and John Coltrane playing in the background. Do not die in the movie – Kampala clubs are for ‘drying’ yourself. Okay Nabachwa?
3.Travel Clubs
Yours truly gave up on travel clubs. Because the hardest thing to coordinate is group travel. But do not tell that to the Corporate girls in Kampala. There is a stage in corporate where you must upgrade to the Euro-travel group. If your salary has not yet upgraded you into this club, that means you have had career stagnation.
Once you dey enter middle management, develop mastery of corporate lingo, know how to check in, circle back, work on low-hanging fruits, the next thing is the Euro-trip. First you do the Western wing, return home. Then do the Eastern wing. And finally sum it up with the Asian one. In that specific order.
Because next time we meet for a wine-tasting, and we start talking about the experience in Florence, do not be thinking we are talking about Florence in Finance. Do not develop ntondo when we are describing the bu hangouts in Phuket. In the meantime, at least know about the Aurora lights. And have some good mastery of the entry-luxury brands. Tell them about your current obsession with The Coach bag. Like you just saw it, and you admired the seams. But meantime, Jinja is not out of reach, Fort Portal is here to stay. You can even go to Kisoro and do some hiking.
4.Hiking Clubs
Huh. At this point my friends could accuse me of picking on them. Because some of them have belonged to each of these clubs. Okay, simple story – Uganda has mountains, lovely scenery and the best way to experience it is on foot, with nothing more than hiking gear. Ehh banange hiking gear.
Kale there is a whole hiking language. Mbu simanya acclimatize. Mbu fleece blanket, mbu simanya layering. Atte summit night. Kwegamba. But trust Ugandans, there is nothing we have not done. Hiking clubs are some of the most-enduring of communities. Because spending a night with some strangers on a mountain will surely draw you close to them.
Nga I have not forgotten my Rwenzori-family, the chaps with whom we trekked to the peak. Shout-outs to Nazyo and Albo on the glacier. Even when those chaps are 90 years old, I will remind them. Okay even Miti-the ka man who rolled the car… need I say more about the beauties of the hiking club? Chatham house rules… even the skills of showering with wipes. The other secrets, you have to be inside the clubs to know them.
5.Gym and Artificial Turf Clubs
I was about to include the ‘Sauna and Spa’ clubs, then my editor (I heard her ka-voice), she was like – ‘gwe Ian, that’s not our target audience…’ Yiiiyi kale boss baby. But ehh, the bu-artificial turf clubs, those are like proper possessions. There is one in Ntinda frequented by doctors. Mbu you find a doctor rushing from hospital because he is the captain at his artificial turf. Ugandans will dodge paying a loan, but they always pay club memberships on time.
Atte do not get me started on the Arsenal supporters of Nansana. Those clubs like my ka-editor’s voice says, are not within the aspirations of this handsome and wealthy writer. They can announce their presence on those village loud-speakers. Abawagizi ba Arsenal e ntwe ntwe… There is even another ka club simanya Decadenians – mbu oba they meet to just demolish ears and fish.
Post-Script:
In Kampala, your only family is your club. Your family is not your wife or children. They also belong to some club. You could find nga your wife is in mother’s union. Your husband is in the potbelly club. Your children are in Japanese Manga clubs. Find a club, commit to a club, cause all your drama in a club, and let your secrets die in a club. Until some ka-nosy Ortega eavesdrops on a whisper. Oba we also start a ka-Ortega club? Naye what shall we do? Attack other clubs? Uganda Club Hating Club. Huh UCHC… sounds like something Mzee would fund…