Congratulations, you have successfully made it to the end of the holiday. The house is still mostly intact and the expenditure on food is about to go down considerably. A loaf of bread will finally last a week. Although it might be hard to appreciate this now, given the hole that school fees, development fee, school requirements, sports day fee, Saturday ombre T-shirts and a sack of chicken-flavoured Gorillos have just burnt through your pocket.
And if you successfully make it through the back-to-school process itself, which includes enduring the crazy traffic on the highway to school and on the school premises, again, congrats. Then there is the checking of suitcases. I think they should just add a pair of sniffer dogs just to be thorough because, truth is, you cannot quite keep up with the brilliant but sometimes dark minds that are your offspring.
So, instead of only asking for brooms and paint, cement, rebuilding the school cathedral fee and breathing fee, add a sniffer dog fee. These can sniff everything that comes to the school premises, drugs and fake students inclusive.
Also, teachers and school staff should be subjected to an attitude test, especially during the first and second week of the school term.
Anyone found wanting in patience, politeness and other social graces should be sent back to the teacher training college because why in the world should you bring your bad manners to the school check-in point and start yelling at a parent because they did not carry the correct brand of lime paint? Why am I even carrying paint in the first place when the house I am living in has not been painted in the last 20 years?
We know that part of your frustration comes from the botched holiday classes plan that made you miss out on some extra cash, but please, join the rest of us in anger management class. We meet every Tuesday in Kiwatule near the mango tree.
There is an online link somewhere. Seriously though, be nice to parents. They have the same problems as you do.
That man you are roughing up because he has not carried development fee might just end up being the next king of a kingdom near you. Life is crazy like that. You be there minding your own business, reading regional news on the telly; next thing you know, you are His Majesty. So be nice.
And to the rest of us hustlers, there is no expiry date on goodness. It can happen anytime. So, do not give up. You might never be a king in this lifetime, but who knows, maybe the tide will turn and one day school fees will not be an issue. In fact, on days like today, you will show up at the school gate and just start spraying money on everybody and anybody, Nigerian style. Or at least you will be on the receiving end of such beautiful opulence.
And parents also, you banange. We know life is hard and the struggle is real, but stop showing up with nothing but your seven children to school. How is the school supposed to feed them? Let alone pay the teachers if you show up without a coin and do not even make any effort to reassure the school admin that you will pay shortly?
Yes, I know things are hard and I am not even speaking from a place of privilege because I was that kid whose name was always on the bursar’s list of defaulters. But now, as the adult in the story, I also know there are those among us who postpone payment not because they do not have money, but because the school owner is known to you, is understanding, and also there is this new gadget that will not allow delayed gratification to prosper.
So, you buy the kids all the requirements they ask for and take them to school with the promise that you will pay the fees later. Not because you do not have the money but, well, the school is quite understanding. See your life.
And finally, to the most valuable player of the season: dear school owner/admin, we know that it is a business and money is needed to run operations but, eh, calm down. Allow us some time, we shall pay. Money is coming. For real this time.