Dear Anonymous,
It would be very worrying if your husband hid his financial details and status from you, but as it is, you are not unhappy about how things are. He seems transparent with you and indeed cares for you and your children. So, from where you sit, there is little to worry about.
That you are concerned about his boundaries as far as his extended family and family resources are concerned says something about you. Your value system wants to extend the same transparency to his extended family. That is why his pretence has moved from amusement to concern because, in some way, it is giving your children a foundation for not telling the truth and is somewhat hypocritical.
Do you want him to reveal his true financial status to his family? That may satisfy your value system, yet will it, in fact, be advantageous to you and your family? How much of the true nature of his family do you know and their conduct towards your family’s prosperity? Or perhaps you want to understand why he behaves like this?
Let us try to understand why he behaves this way. First, this typically is not the way most men would behave towards their family. In fact, the reverse is true, and even in this column, we have had more issues arising from men giving resources to their extended family against their immediate families. So, there is evidently much more to this.
People usually behave like this out of insecurity, perceived or real, emerging from their family history. Maybe he was mistreated when growing up; maybe he harbours anger or resentment towards his family. Something in the past explains this.
Otherwise, if it was his dominant character, you and your children would equally experience it.
Some people grew up in families with meagre resources and thus very competitive environments. This leads some to be protective of their possessions. Some families are very controlling and will treat adult sons or daughters as extensions of the family, where you cannot say no. This would mean that how your status is perceived determines how much you give for any cause as decided by the family. You have no control.
How do you align his behaviour, which is realistically in your favour, with your value system, which is sensitive to his dishonesty, going by your reference to ‘living a double life’?
It requires that you appreciate where he comes from. Have a conversation with him to understand why he feels strongly about revealing his financial status to his family. This will help you approach the matter from a point of knowledge and insight. There may be no wisdom in using a judgemental approach, as it may get him defensive and be counterproductive to your efforts.
If you choose to continue to engage, it might be insightful to highlight how what he does will impact the moral upbringing of your children in terms of providing a good example to them. Adding a spiritual angle to your reasoning may be helpful, assuming your family is given to the fear of God.
This is more sensitive than meets the eye, and you have got to be patient and reasonable so that it does not become a destabiliser to your marriage, which appears, beyond this issue, to be moving on well. If you pray together, you can add the subject to your prayers.
You could also take the children aside and teach them tactfully on the subject of telling the truth, not as an attack on their father but as a general moral principle, so they can see for themselves why telling the truth is a good thing.
Your careful, loving way of handling this issue with patience may help your husband find a way to deal with the challenge with his family without necessarily being deceitful. Take some time to think of a different way to circumvent deception and yet still preserve the boundaries he seeks to achieve. Your moral sense of being truthful is a good thing, but sometimes imparting the same requires insight and wisdom, particularly with those closest to us.
Reader advice
Success attracts envy
Madiina Nyakato. Sometimes, when a person starts doing well, it attracts unnecessary attention from relatives and other people. He may simply be trying to avoid witchcraft, jealousy and bad energy. Let him lay low and protect his family in the way he understands best.
His family, his call
Blessing Agaba. You may see his behaviour as strange or even embarrassing, but he may have reasons you do not fully understand. Family dynamics can be complicated, and sometimes keeping certain things private is necessary to maintain peace.
Choose who gets access
Aggrey Wakabi. I regret how much I entertained certain people in my life because it eventually became a matter of survival. What initially looked harmless turned into something life-changing. Sometimes we learn the hard way that not everyone deserves access to our lives, success or personal affairs, especially when family and money are involved.
Privacy protects family
Patricia Oyella. If something happened to him, relatives who believe you have nothing might not see you as a threat or target. By keeping his success private, he could be making sure that his family does not start fighting over what belongs to you and your children.
No need for drama
Sarah Sarita. If he is not hiding another woman or living a double life, perhaps what he is doing is simply protecting his finances. Forget the drama and enjoy the peace .
He has bad manners
Mary Lamunu. He may simply have bad manners. If someone watches the television, how exactly does that increase your expenses? You can refuse to give someone money without changing your entire personality. I understand protecting your finances, but deliberately becoming rude or unfriendly is something I would not support.
He is protecting you
Elvans Omole. If his family eventually discovers what he has been doing, they may blame you for influencing him. They could assume that you were the reason he stopped helping them and wait for an opportunity to retaliate. Sometimes relatives can become very hostile when they feel they have lost access to someone’s money. That is why he may be careful.
Appreciate the lesson
Fredy Breezy. Wait until he starts spending freely around his family again. You might come back to social media and complain that his relatives have started demanding money, asking for favours and interfering in your affairs. Sometimes people do not appreciate the lesson until they experience the consequences. If he has a reason for being careful, let him be.