My husband and I have been married for four years and have one child. For a long time, we struggled financially because my husband often said his earnings were insufficient to meet our needs. Recently, however, his financial situation changed after he started dating a wealthy older woman who gives him money. Through this relationship, he has built us a house, and our lives have become more comfortable. Every Friday, before leaving to spend the weekend with this woman, he gives me Shs500,000 for our upkeep. I am deeply hurt by his infidelity and recently sought the intervention of one elder, hoping he would help us resolve the matter. When confronted, my husband openly admitted to the affair but insisted that I was now enjoying a better life because of it. He even suggested that I should consider his relationship with the woman a job that enables him to provide for our family. He added that it was only sex and that the woman was not going to take his manhood away. I feel disrespected and betrayed, but I also cannot ignore the financial security we now enjoy. Should I accept this arrangement for the sake of our family or walk away? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
What you are dealing with is not very common, but I can assure you it exists. In my experience, scenarios such as the one you are going through are more common among cohabiting, usually younger couples, rather than couples who have been married for four years.
You are writing because there is something that does not sit well with you. Your value system has been violated, which is why you feel hurt and betrayed. These feelings are real and cannot be downplayed. By many cultural and moral standards, what your husband is doing is not proper, yet it is being dressed up to appear justifiable. He argues that it is just sex, but is it really just sex? Sex causes more attachment in women than in men, but men too can develop attachment in long-term relationships.
If you want to test what your husband presents as justification, imagine the roles were reversed and you were the one sleeping with another man and bringing the proceeds of your affairs home to him. I cannot begin to imagine what his response would have been. This is where the injustice starts to manifest, and it explains why your feelings are not without legitimate reason. Think about it, too: does he really respect you? Will he ever respect you?
By downplaying his affair as just sex and compelling you to accept it, what guarantee do you have that you have not given him permission to do whatever he wants? And what will stop him? Decisions around sex can turn into habits and, for a couple, if not handled well, this cannot end well. For a four-year marriage, the turn of events is worrying. How could the head of the family resort to offering sex to care for your family, ignoring what this means for you and presenting it in a take-it-or-leave-it manner?
You did not explain how you learnt about the affair, but if you caught him and this is his admission, then his approach is what is called ‘weaponised martyrdom’. This involves stepping away from guilt and arguing that he did it for you. I can appreciate why you are puzzled about how to approach the situation because he is pushing the narrative that you are benefiting, so you should not object to his behaviour.
Having said all the above, you have a decision to make, with the added possibility that the other woman knows about you. You have no control over how things will eventually turn out. Will you stay or leave? We will not make that decision for you in this response, but you can use the facts and factors available to you to decide.
First, can you settle for this arrangement for the rest of your life without knowing or having any certainty about where it will end? Are you willing to set aside your value system and how you feel in the name of material gain? Will continuing with this arrangement earn you the respect you deserve from your partner?
What about your health? What if you contract an infection as you weather the reality of your husband being in a love triangle? Lastly, are the material things accruing from his infidelity actually guaranteed to be yours? And if you have a faith system that believes in God, do you think He would approve of this arrangement in the name of material riches?
The decision is yours to make.
Reader advice
Marriage is teamwork
Martin Ssebyala. Instead of spending the money your husband gives you every weekend, consider saving it until you have enough capital to start a business of your own. Before you start earning, you may not fully appreciate the financial pressures he faces daily. You could also encourage him to save part of the money he earns from the sugar mummy and gradually prepare to leave that arrangement. As your businesses grow, you can support each other financially.
Build together
Daniel Guya. Wealth acquired through questionable arrangements should not be the foundation of your happiness. Put your faith in God, work together as a couple and trust Him to provide for your family.
He will choose money
Nachie Urshie Mpanga. Your husband already belongs to that woman in some way because he is benefiting from the relationship. Even if you eventually get him to leave her, he may not do so without first considering what he stands to lose.
Walk away
Melody Bengz. No amount of money or material comfort is worth remaining in a marriage where your husband is involved with another woman and you have to share him. Sometimes, choosing yourself means walking away from a situation that compromises your happiness.
Look beyond the money
Sarah Namusoke. Financial security is important, but so is peace of mind. Today he may be sharing the money with you, but what happens when the other woman demands more of his time and attention? Think beyond the weekend money and consider your future.
Do not settle for leftovers
Robert Kato. Your husband needs to understand that providing for his family is his responsibility, not something another woman should be doing at a price. Sit down and have an honest conversation with him. Find out what he wants from this marriage and whether he is prepared to make sacrifices to protect it. You deserve honesty, not leftovers.
Secure your own future
Prossy Nakato. Stop encouraging this arrangement simply because you are benefiting financially. What if the woman gets tired of your husband or decides to stop giving him money? Will your family survive? Start thinking about financial independence. Save, invest and build something of your own.
Look beyond the affair
Hassan Ssemakula. We are quick to judge, but let us also ask why a married man has to depend on another woman to provide for his family. There could be financial struggles that the wife does not fully understand.