Communication is still an issue of concern in marriage. Regularly, as a marriage counsellor, I have to deal with this issue among spouses. Recently, I encountered it in a couple’s conflict, and I was like, ‘This again?’ I thought we should have passed that stage in marriage. But the truth is that it’s not going to go away as long as couples engage in communication.
It’s a familiar phrase on the lips of husbands that, ‘See how you are talking to me.’ Two key issues in marital communication are centred around respect and love, on the part of the husbands and wives, respectively.
Any complaint of the husband is about the communication that threatens his respect. A good example is the one under reference here above, ‘See the way you are talking to me.’ This is a question mark on the wife’s respect for him.
On the other hand, the wife’s complaint about the way her husband talks to her has to do with his love for her. It’s always a statement that makes her feel unloved. For instance, when he asks, ‘Why are you wasting time, keeping me waiting?’ She feels that he doesn’t love her enough to be patient for her to get dressed. After all, love is said to be patient.
So, the wife should communicate with him in a manner that he will feel respected. Likewise, the husband should ensure that his communication with her makes her feel loved. Husbands and wives must therefore ensure that their communication reflects respect and love.
Usually, spouses find it difficult to communicate with each other for a few reasons. Some are cowed into silence by a few attitudes of their partners. This should be looked into if the marriage is not to break down.
I don’t care attitude
When your spouse’s complaints are not attended to, you are going to get him or her to close up, thus ruining the communication link between the two of you. With time, you will lose that link. You should care about whatever issues he or she raises with you and address them.
Taking issues discussed for granted
That is, he or she says, ‘You’re hurting me,’ yet you keep at it. It’s wrong to do that. Don’t explain issues away when raised. Don’t take it for granted that he or she can’t do anything about it. You may be leading him or her into withdrawal mode.
Constantly postponing discussions
‘I’m in the middle of something now.’ ‘We can discuss it later today.’ ‘I’m tired, honey. Let’s do it tomorrow.’ This doesn’t work for effective communication.
Lack of a listening ear
You only issue a command without being ready to hear your spouse out. Communication should not be a one-way affair. Effective communication should ensure that your spouse receives your message.
Threatening comments
Comments like ‘I’ll deal with you’, ‘don’t ever raise that issue with me again’, ‘You can opt out if you can’t cope with me’, etc., are things you do to put your marital communication in jeopardy. Such makes room for withdrawal by the hurting spouse.
Know-it-all attitude
When you constantly present a picture of knowing everything, you’ll cause your spouse to stop talking to you on so many issues. Stop giving him or her the impression that you don’t need contributions or advice from him or her.
Shutting down your spouse
Anytime he or she raises an issue with you, you just get angry and shout at him or her. It’s like you hate hearing his or her voice. It could be that your mind is made up on the issues involved, So, you don’t want to hear anything from him or her that will make you change your mind. No room for a second opinion. Hence, the shutdown posture.
You have to take action before it is too late, when the communication link is being cut off. Otherwise, you will destroy the marriage.
Signs that the communication link is fast being lost include being moody, monosyllable responses, ignoring your comments, etc. This is a dangerous point in the marriage. If nothing is done to address it, the ship of the marriage will eventually hit the rock.
This is the point where communication breaks down completely, thus ending the relationship.
You can avail yourself of copies of my books ‘Enjoying Great S3x Life’ and ‘How to Help Your Wife Enjoy S3x’. Please, contact 08112658560 for details. SMS only.