A Ugandan comedian recently said, ‘In Uganda, they tell you to trust the process, naye does the process know that you are trusting it?’ Munange good people, that is how I also trusted the process and got a glimpse of the new Uganda, aka Uganda empya. Do not ask me to explain how I saw it, after all, you do not question your mehn of Gaad when they keep making trips to heaven. Just trust the way the animals trusted the pigs on Animal Farm, the same way everyone believed Molly’s sugar Candy Mountain. So what saw I?
Digital money
In Uganda empya, things of cash will be things of the past. Your money will move with you. Okay, this also means your poverty will move with you. Those things of ‘let me see what I can do’ will be lies of the past. Kubanga, what will you be doing when all your wallets are digital? Mbu you will just put someone’s NIN in a search bar, and it will display their financial health. Whether they are in red, amber or green. Of course, my Mulawa, Bulindo and Najjera people, you just know these ones will be in Magenta.
Now, not only that. Mbu going forward, your Pastor or Prophet or Bishop will be collecting offertory from the source. You will just get a notification; ‘Apostle Busulwa collected this month’s tithe.’ Anti money will be flying in the air, and everything will be connected to source.
The oil and gas people
These ones you should watch closely. Soonest, there will be a new term in people, the people who work in Oil and Gas (O and G). Of course, not to be confused with your Ogs. Once the oil starts to flow bulungi, these will be the chaps shutting down the whole Bandali street. Mbu they will be to Uganda what the telecom guys were in the early 2000s, displaying their IDs for all to see. The new rizz will be the chaps associated with O and G people. The current O and G people are camouflaging, they are quasi. But when the real dons arrive, they will enter a bar and say, ‘whoever has no bottle on their table, I have bought out the table.’
No more heartbreaks
People are wondering, will the relationships last longer in the new Uganda? No, good people. Everything just gets shorter. You think Ye is making those shoes for who? It is to make up for the coming crisis of the imps. Mbu there is no way you can expect your relationship to last long when the inhabitants of that relationship cannot sum up to six feet in height. What more signs do you need? The only beauty in the new Uganda is that again, you will be able to do a better background check. You will put in someone’s NIN and see that currently; the person you are dating is being claimed by these six people. You will get details that Sam is being claimed by an HR manager in Lubowa and a trader next to the Nakivubo channel.
In the new Uganda, you will enter with eyes open. You will see the abyss and fall in willingly. You will cry tears in advance. But perhaps, in the new Uganda, there will even be no hearts. Because as we speak, does the person reading this have one? No! In new Uganda, we shall have paper hearts. Just for just.
Corruption for all
When I got to this one, things got fuzzy and foggy. I could not see clearly. This chap had matured into a proper adult. Mbu in old Uganda, if you paid after the deal, in new Uganda, you would pay to even be considered for the deal. You will pay so that you can be paid. Mbu apparently in the new Uganda, people pleaded with the gods and said – ‘tokuba nyo.’ Mbu when you throw a stone in Uganda, before it even lands, it will hit about five corrupt chaps. Mbu kids these days start specialising from primary school. They learn from mummy and daddy who keep promising people with the same line – ‘first wait, let me call you back.’ Naye what do people mean by that line. As in, I wait on the call, then you call back. How does that work?
As usual in the new Uganda, people will keep their real sources of income a ka-secret. We shall have formal jobs, but our bu-real sources will be a mystery. We shall work in boutiques, keep them closed for most of the time, but we shall not miss flights. We shall move from Doha to Kuala Lumpur. You chaps can hate on our hustles, and keep yearning – ‘involve me, involve me.’
Agriculture = Aura farming
The only serious agricultural activity I saw in the new Uganda was aura-farming. Mbu every day, people will wake up to farm aura. If you need an explanation, it is clear you are not the target generation. You should just be confirming your NSSF details and whether you qualify for early access. Mu Uganda empya, there will be one job only, farming aura, and maxxing out on aura. You will only visit places that give you an opportunity to increase your aura. You will only make friends that increase aura. Everything will be based on the aura currency. If you are rich but you have no aura, your money will mean nothing to us. It is aura or nothing. Mbu restaurants will even add meals on their menu just for aura purposes. That is why instead of mukene or silver fish, some chaps now call them ‘baby sharks’, again, it is all about aura.
Instead of boyfriend or girlfriend (very imperialistic terms), you talk of your person oba your partner. Mbu then the boundaries can be stretched just in case you need to add another person on the team. Again, blame it on aura.
Potholes and boda bodas
Pause here. Swallow some water, sip something. When you close your eyes, can you really imagine a Uganda without potholes? Let us repeat this exercise. Breathe in, breathe out, again, can you imagine a Uganda without boda bodas? You see the other gender cannot live without their boda guy. Nga boda guys deliver all sorts of things, even emergency whatever.
The only reason we shall keep the boda bodas is because the other gender is as loyal to them, the way men are loyal to their barbers and premier league clubs. And now, also, don’t you think we shall maintain something that reminds us of the old Uganda. What shall a new Uganda mean if we do not have a historical context? Our Nakivubo channel is now a storeyed complex. No, the gods decided in new Uganda, we shall keep at least a pothole per Ugandan citizen. Because who will feed the families of those that keep filling the potholes?
And besides, the potholes and boda bodas go together. You know when the boda guy is jazzing some incoherent kibozi, and their wind is whistling through your eyes, and ears, and then he hits a pothole or hump, and the next thing you hear is just you saying – ‘iyeee, mmmmh.’ Mbu usually that is the moment that signifies the end of one episode, as he embarks on a new episode.
President hangs in Bulwadda
This one is more interesting. Although the President has been getting harder to reach in old Uganda. In the new Uganda, the president will be accessible. Every month, State House will be sharing the president’s party schedule. You know how they share the current election campaign schedule, same way they will be sharing all the places where the president will be aura farming.
You will just get a notification; ‘this week, the president will be in Bulwadda Estate, Kyanja.’ What is with that excuse of an estate? Do those people even cook? Mbu everything there is just delivered. Even the residents of those apartments are just delivered. Mbu the ka-estate does not really have permanent owners, everyone there is either dealing in something or dealing out something. Mbu if you get pregnant for a guy in Bulwadda Estate, it is on you. But… I digress! In the new Uganda, our Prezzo will have days when he chills in Bulwadda, he will even tell us about the new flavours, you know of what? Stop acting proper.
Then, there will be a public holiday for content creators. In fact, it will be mandated that every bar, restaurant, lounge have a place for content creators. Parents should embrace for the new age when their kids are proper streaming as a career.
Back then, when we told people digital will be a department in the workplace, they argued. In the new Uganda, streaming will be a proper career option. Even the President will be a streamer. Of course, your wild mind is wondering; ‘even on OF?’ Clearly, you are not the target audience of this newspaper.
Elections… for what?
I thought UEDC.whatever the name, had improved its services mu Uganda empya, because why is it that when I got to serious topics, it was just blacking out. Mbu in the new Uganda, we shall have leadership on a daily bundle. There will be many presidents, many mayors, you will just subscribe to your own mayor. For example, if you want Sarah is Tall for the month of August, you get that one. Then your friends will tell you; ‘gwe, Kampala yetaaga engineer’ and boom, you subscribe to yinginiya. Will there be elections? I said, when I got to this topic, things were confusing. The only words I remember were ‘as if.’ Whatever you do with that information, it is up to you.
#BanKikomando
The biggest change in the new Uganda was that you will not have that option of ‘meere yonna’ going forward. Is it your father’s farm where you get all foods? Mbu even kikomando will exist no more. Rolex will remain, but Kikomando has lost aura. Mbu there is not a single way of eating kikomando without reducing aura points.
The good thing in the new Uganda, millennials will be the grandparents, Gen-Zs will be the parents, and Gen-Alphas, the children, then you will experience a melange en melange. In the new Uganda, the children will parent their parents. Isn’t it already happening? Luckily, I woke up just in time, just in time when Engineer Na-debts was insisting they add a culvert.