Dear David, Your experience sounds familiar to me from my counselling practice. While the triggers may differ slightly in various scenarios, the underlying pattern remains the same. What do I mean by this? What you perceive as her no longer referring to you affectionately by name or title may reflect a deeper sense of resignation or a gradual loss of warmth in your marriage over time, possibly unnoticed, and hopefully not taken for granted. It is also not surprising that the turning point you recall was that argument. It might not have been the first disagreement; rather, it could represent a culmination of conflicts over the months or years that diminished her desire to be warm and affectionate towards you.
What causes wives to withdraw and retreat into themselves? Often, husbands maintain certain aspects, such as providing for the family’s needs or giving gifts, but they neglect their wives’ true emotional needs. I will set aside the topic of intimacy for now. You have described the consequences without offering specific details. However, consider this: what would happen if you stopped listening to or valuing her perspective on important family matters, even if you are the primary breadwinner? What if you hurt her feelings without genuinely apologising, or if you did apologise but continued the same behavior afterward? What if she felt neglected in favour of your friends and family, becoming an outsider?
What if you never admitted you were wrong and always remained defensive? What happens when you do not ‘see her’ or ‘acknowledge her’? Initially, she may tolerate this behaviour and keep trying, but eventually, she may give up on showing affection and on making you happy. She could end up living with you out of habit. Even intimacy might become something that serves you rather than her. Resentment and anger will likely build up, leading to a lack of genuine respect. This could result in living more like roommates than as a couple. Perhaps you have not reached that point yet, and the fact that she still calls your son nice names gives you a chance to rebuild the warmth you desire in your relationship. If you are serious about rekindling the connection, I highly recommend seeking professional marriage counselling.
It will not be a quick fix, but it can make you aware of how serious things might have become without your notice, helping to prevent further decline in your nine-year marriage. You may have unintentionally pushed her away over the years, and the recent incident could represent the first visible sign of this. Other signs may have already occurred without your realisation. She may be acting in the hope that you will take notice. I also hope infidelity is not involved, as that would complicate matters further. Take action to revitalise the warm relationship you once shared. Seek professional help.
Take your power back
Shalot Shaz Kirungi. Work hard to earn that respect back. Instead of arguing with her, try to be romantic as if you have just met for the first time. Buy her gifts, take her on trips, and reignite your love. Also, consider how you address her. Are you being romantic even when she is not? Sometimes, we reflect how we are treated. Ensure you are fulfilling all your responsibilities as the man of the house, from being present in your relationship to providing for the family’s needs. It is difficult to call you ‘babe’ if you are being irresponsible. If you want to earn praise and respect again, you need to put in the effort. Otherwise, there is a chance she may stop calling you by your name and start referring to you by your mother’s name. Good luck.
Dennis Asiimwe. When addressing her, use her full name. Additionally, feel free to include details such as her academic qualifications, professional title, or job title. If she prefers a more formal approach, you can certainly make it very formal. While it can be entertaining to playfully engage in these name-addressing games, it is crucial to recognise that the underlying issue may be more serious. If the warmth in your relationship has faded, it is important to find out why and work on rebuilding that connection. Sometimes, what starts as a minor change in how couples address each other can signal a larger problem that has been quietly developing over time. So, while you can indulge in this playful game, remember to prioritise fixing the marriage.
Harriet Sheryl. When a woman calls you by your real name or ‘sweetheart’ during an argument, take notice; it is a significant sign. If she is angry, she should use a nickname instead. I have experienced this too: when I called Mutabani wa Pharaoh ‘sweetheart’ in a disagreement or used his real name, he knew things were serious. Choose a time when you are both in good spirits to have a conversation. Start simply, and gradually address any deeper issues she may be holding back. Many women keep important feelings to themselves, which might lead to a surprising breakup over unresolved matters. So, David, pay attention to changes in how she addresses you. It may seem small, but it can indicate deeper issues at play.
Sarah Nakato. You are focusing on the name, but you may be missing the real problem. A woman does not just wake up one morning and decide to stop calling her husband ‘sweetheart’ for no reason. Do not fight her over what she calls you. Instead, ask yourself what changed between you two. Are you still talking? Do you listen when she complains? Do you appreciate her? Do you spend time together outside the bedroom? Take her somewhere quiet, put the phones away and talk. And please, David, listen without defending yourself. Sometimes a woman is not looking for an argument or a solution. She just wants to know that you heard her. The name is only the symptom. Find the disease.