Mzee retired from the army in 2004, some 18 years after his army seized power. On the day he retired, April 6, the president of Lithuania, Rolandas Paksas, was peacefully removed from office through impeachment. Before signing his army resignation letter with a simple ‘Tubonge Nawe’, the army promoted Mzee to the rank of full General with refrains of ‘Sevo, Sevo’ audibly fragrant on that day.
“This is the first time in history that we have an army officer of the forces, commander-in-chief of the army, who is also president of Uganda, retiring voluntarily in accordance with the rule of law,” said a certain super minister as he awarded Mzee a gift made of glass, stone and metal during a ceremony at the Bombo barracks. Mzee, in his nearly two-hour speech, was of two minds about it all. “I need to retire in order to fight new battles,’ he said, before asking for a Kanzu to replace his olive-green military duds.
Mzee reportedly received his Kanzu. However, nobody has ever seen him wear it. According to our three-letter security agencies, the Kanzu was stolen by the Opposition to prove Mzee can never be smart. They left his trousers, though, to prove he can be a smarty-pants.
On top of that, they need him to wear pants so they can say “Liar, liar pants on fire” whenever they hear him say anything. Losing his Kanzu has forced Mzee to wear military attire for every major function where it is necessary to remind attendees that he should never be triggered. So, he shows up as Kiruhura’s answer to Rambo, drawing First Blood in his ongoing war with the fashion police.
Commentators are wondering why Mzee just can’t get another Kanzu. Mzee says he tried, but his aides and helpers heard him ask for a ‘Kenzo’ instead. That’s how he ended up with a new presidential advisor instead of a new Kanzu. Indeed, the phrase “the clothing makes the man’ applies to Kenzo’s ascension.
All boils down to English
Speaking of clothing, Ugandans have dressed Mzee up as Mr Jones. He was the original owner of Manor Farm in George Orwell’s Animal Farm. Jones was overthrown by the animals in a rebellion. Subsequently, all those who wish to replace Mzee will become him. It all boils down to English, I’m afraid. In English, the word ‘Jonesing’ means to have a strong need, desire, or craving for something. So, if a person has an insatiable craving for the presidency, they are said to be jonesing for it and acting like Jones because of it.
Language has the power to shape our reality. That’s why many see the image of the Messiah carrying the cross. And others, observing the same image, see a rabbi schlepping around wood. It’s a question of perspective. The Opposition says they did not steal Mzee’s Kanzu. Their perspective is that Mzee secretly exported the Kanzu eight years ago when he gifted Equatorial Guinea president Obiang Nguema with a Kanzu at State House, Entebbe.
The Equatoguinean politician, a former military officer who has served as the second president of Equatorial Guinea since 1979, reportedly passed the Kanzu to his vice president, who happens to be his son. If the Opposition is right, we might also see our future vice president wearing a Kanzu on top of his CDF uniform.
The Kanzu helps deal with individual challenges among African leaders when mailed back and forth between them. Just like it was in The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, a young adult novel series and subsequent film franchise about four best friends who share a magical pair of jeans that perfectly fits all of them despite their different body types.
This brotherhood of the travelling Kanzu explains why Uganda and Equatorial Guinea have had the same rulers for so long. The word ‘Kanzu’ means ‘robe’ and when it is in Equatorial Guinea, the emperor is disrobed in Uganda. When it is in Uganda, the emperor is disrobed in Equatorial Guinea. The movement of the Kanzu (between each country) represents a new low of rulership wherever it might be absent. That’s why we need the Kanzu back in Uganda as soon as possible. That way, our electoral grievances are redressed.